Published on 12, July, 2020
I've only recently been diagnosed with autism (last November). The reason I became interested in the possibility is that I have been struggling with anxiety and depression for well over a decade. One of the reasons I've been struggling has been a profound fear of death. And a strong dissatisfaction with Reality and desire for there to be something transcending it that will fill what now seems, at present, to be a completely unsolvable yearning deep within the heart of me.
I should quickly add that I respect all faiths and also atheist viewpoints. But I've spoken to vicars and philosophers, heard from the religious (from all kinds of faiths), the spiritual, researching in great detail why they believe what they do... and I've spoken to none-believers and how they find meaning and purpose in the face of death.
And have had TWO therapists, who tried to help me with the issue.
Thus far, nothing has helped. I want 'faith' but can't find any evidence strong enough to make me believe or overcome my innate skepticism. And- with much respect towards those for whom this works- the numerous ideas that comfort and bring meaning to nonbelievers simply don't work for me. Life that ends in oblivion and where this hunger within is never answered, seems to me- personally, I'm aware this is probably very different for many of you- to be devoid of anything worth existing for.
I've had much advice along the lines of, 'have you tried not caring?' or 'have you tried finding value in something else instead?' but, while I'm open to trying new things, obviously what I can't change is my very shape of my heart. How easy life would be if we could just choose not to care about things (you'd never have a worry again!) or if we could choose what it is we want.
It's all very upsetting- but I feel like I've run out of ways of attempting to solve this problem and it's feeling very hopeless.
Can anyone relate? What can I do?
Hi Tom. What I would suggest to others is explore and find out for themselves in their own way. Don’t even believe what I am about to say but, well browse the world. As a teenager I had out of body experiences. I became a Buddhist and just focused on that for years. However later on I went to a Spiritualist Church. Just in case you don’t know they have services with mediums who claim to communicate with the afterlife. Also private one to one readings I have observed dozens of mediums and some stuff is maybe, some floppy but some stuff profound and could not be explained away by cold reading, there are also organisations who research such things. Also scientists and philosophers that are involved. It is true that our fears are related to fight and flight which is about death avoidance and grabbing on to life. With humans our personalities combine with our survival instincts.
I have had extreme fears. Dad died in a shotgun accident when I was five, badly burned at nine years old, injured in a car accident when I was 11 years old. Badly bullied as a child which I can now put down to Autism. Obviously diagnosed with PTSD along with other stuff. Also just to interject I wonder which has been more stressful the childhood traumas or the long term effects of Autism even if a society problem.
Also with meditation and mind expansion I have had experiences of oneness and nature of the universe I won’t or can’t explain too much but had a profound effect. Beyond duality where stuff is not separate. Personality stress can relate to being different which can be a form of separation.
I would say that my knowledge/faith or understanding that we are just living temporarily in a body has had a great affect on me coping with horrible fears. I have applied my thinking and beliefs/knowledge when the fears crop up. There is all kinds of stuff. There is so much out there to explore.
I don’t know how I would have coped without all the stuff I looked into. All kinds of realisations merging with consciousness.
The best therapy ever.
Again don’t just believe me but seek as much as you want.
As far as evidence is concerned there are so many ways to consider stuff. Even if some stuff is not totally proven can one still apply it. One of my favourite quotes from a philosopher from Birmingham University, Lisa Bortolotti is “The Epistemic Innocence of Irrational Beliefs” that is if beliefs might be irrational or partly so if they serve a good purpose they can be innocent. Even then what is irrational can sometimes be debated.
If you want I can give you hints of more: information, reading, organisations or whatever but of course don’t just believe me.