Published on 12, July, 2020
I opened up to my therapist yesterday about how I grew attached to her. I said I saw her as like a maternal figure and I wished that I had the components she has as an individual in a friend.
She appreciated my honesty and bravery, and she understood where I was coming from.
What I found interesting was that I felt quite emotional *after* the session (as well as during it) because I found it quite hard to cope with the reality of the fact she's never going to be anything other than my therapist.
It's a funny time in my life as I have no support network (for reasons I'm unwilling to go into - it is partly through choice), so I've leant on her as the only person I'm willing to open up to about anything. I'm trusting of her, I know she's not judging me, and she'll validate the things I'm feeling.
Maybe something to bring up next week. I think there's a degree of grief - I know that if the sessions ended tomorrow or she had to take an extended break, I'd be a complete wreck. I've been disregulated whenever she's taken time out before (obviously not her fault, more mine for the situation I'm in).
I managed to double book myself recently and had to cancel a session ... I didn't handle it well. It is weird that I find therapy soooo hard, but it is such a release from the issues that build up, that the absence is ... dysregulating ... to say the least.
It would kill me if I ever had to cancel a session. I don't really get to talk to anyone else about anything, so it's all I have.