Published on 12, July, 2020
Caveat: this is my experience and I don't intend to speak for anyone else.
Bullying, which for me was 99% verbal, is always difficult to deal with but I don't know if the act itself is what bothers me the most.
It's the fact no one stuck up for me. I get it to an extent; if you see it going on (either online or in-person), you may not wish to get involved because then *you'll* get attacked.
But it leaves me feeling like everyone hates me, and like I deserved it. There may have been times where I did deserve it because no one close to me validated how I was feeling; I may have done something not worth defending but I could have done with someone defending me as a human being. I didn't (and don't) feel like it's worth it anymore, like I'm useless.
Just some thoughts.
I feel sad that you think you may have at times deserved it. No one deserves that. You're perception might well be right that others thought it. When I was bullied in the school yard, the Head told me it was "all my fault" and "if I were like the other children" this would not happen.
But no matter whether others think you deserve it, we don't have to take that on ourselves. No one deserves to be bullied. End of. Truth is bullies will always pick on those who are different and let's face it we are different. Sometimes actually they are afraid we can do stuff better than them sometimes they do it because their own self esteem is low and they are trying to look big to others.
But whatever their motive it never means you are worthless or useless. They are the ones with a problem if they feel a need to behave like that.
I know these people will think, at least in the case of the online example, that I deserved to have my life destroyed because I'd behaved badly. Because of that, I've convinced myself that I did to get ahead of the curve.
Unfortunately I am now so far down that rabbit hole that it doesn't matter how much someone tries to tell me that I'm not the most awful human being ever lived, I'll still believe it. Because thousands of people believe it and they have so much more power.
HMO said:I know these people will think, at least in the case of the online example, that I deserved to have my life destroyed because I'd behaved badly
HMO, pretty much nobody deserves to have their life destroyed.
People who think that, who really think that, aren't worth your time.
I wish I could believe that. Even though I know I did the right thing in terms of therapy and working on myself etc, it just feels like it will never ever be enough.
It would be easier to dismiss something like that if it was just one person, or just a few. When everyone is against you, it's next to impossible.