I guess I just need to talk to someone???

Hi,

I don’t know where else to post this…I just thought I would see what everyone would say and make me feel less alone.

For the last year my family dynamics have changed. My brother used to live here and always have arguments with my dad as well as sticking up for my mum. With me being autistic I didn’t notice all this is happening. I heard the arguments but didn’t know why it was all happening.

Well my brother and his boyfriend moved into their own place in August or September 2023. And since then I have being having arguments with my dad. When I spoke to my mum she said this has always happened and because of the way I am I just didn’t realise.

My dad…I think he is old fashioned. Ever since realising how he real is and discussing everything with my mum and talking to other people…there has been people saying it’s just old age. But according to my mum, my dad has always been like this since she has been with him. She even said if she knew he was going to be like this, she wouldn’t of married him.

•  Lately me and my mum feel really drained and not wanting to come home after being out, because we know my dad would moan about something.
• He is constantly moaning about everything such as the pain he has 24/7 (which we know about - he has arthritis in every bone in his body and two disks sticking out of his spine)
• He moans when the weather isn’t nice and he can’t go in the backyard to garden but then he moans when the weather is nice because he has a lot of emails to go through (we have told him to unsubscribe from things to lessen his emails but he doesn’t listen) and he runs out of time to go out in the backyard.
• He moans when me and mum decide to go out because he wanted to go in the backyard. We tell him he can still go out in the backyard but he says he doesn’t want to leave our Cat Fluffy in on her own.
• He has his own rules so one rule for him and one rule for my mum
• He always thinks he is right
• He is snapping at everything 
• When me and my mum are whispering about him and he realises we are, he will always try to get me on my own and try and get it out of me on what we are talking about. He will even go so low as to say things like “I thought we were close??” And “Your not my little princess anymore” which really hurts me.
• Me and my mum have accepted my brothers boyfriend (even though at the beginning we were abit unsure about him). And when he came round one day and then left a few hours later, we hug Jay (my brothers boyfriend) and when they left my dad says “so when did we give him hugs?” And when we said it was just a normal thing he goes “well it’s not like he is family or anything” (my brother has been with his boyfriend for 7+ years)
• We think the arguing started with my brother after he came out as gay. Even though my dad accepted him, I don’t think he really accepted him because the way he reacts to gay things on tv or make remarks about John (my brother).
• When me and my mum are out, my dad is always texting asking when we will be coming home. If my mum went out on her own shopping, my dad would ask me to track my mum with the ‘find my phone’ app on my phone.
• He tells my mum to relax but when she decides to sit down and relax he calls out asking my mum for a coffee…the kitchen is in the next room.
• He’s always wanting to know who we are talking to on the phone.
• When I decided to join The Conquerering Challenges to keep my motivated on exercising, I told my mum and she was really happy for me. Whereas when I told my dad he was like “more money spent” 
• He is always moaning about having no money and making sure he has money for the bills, but then he goes spending money on wood, tools he doesn’t need etc. But when I buy something and have parcels coming through the door he replies with “I can tell you got your money, because your always spending it”
• When my mum mentioned she has no money my dad says “how much do you need?”. But what my dad doesn’t understand is she literally doesn’t have money to call her own.

There are probably a lot more examples but I can’t think from the top of my head. My mum would like to maybe divorce him and get a place for me and her, but she has no money. Literally she gets just carers allowance (because she is my dad’s carer) which is the littlest amount and that goes on her bills.

I would look for a place for me and my mum but my mum said she won’t leave until she has money of her own. I have said that as long as I have some money and we move out together, then she can go on Universal Credit and have her own money.

Sorry for the long post, I just don’t know who to turn to. I love my dad so much but after realising last year I just feel drained, annoyed and frustrated. I also feel lost, alone and hopeless for my mum too.

I would confront my dad but he has anger management problems and will literally bite my head off or throw me out. I just wish that I have won the lottery or something and help my mum out, but there is nothing I can do.

My parents have been together 32 years and married 30 years in June. 
Maybe it’s just old age and because he is getting worst he is just taking it out on us ‍♀️ I don’t know. Thank you for reading in advance x