Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm the child of an autistic parent (Dad) he is a really good parent, but being his child has posed a lot of challenges.
Here's two examples:
My family and I were spending time together and playing the game cards against humanity. So I pulled a card that said 'I am covered in *blank*' my dad didn't understand the premise of the game and thought it just was stating a fact about a person. His response was "Oh, you're covered in pimples!" I have struggled with acne most of my teenage life, and I am deeply insecure about it. I tried to play it off, but I ended up sobbing about it later.
Another time my dad commented on my weight. Some context, I have a gluten allergy, and when I eat it my face gets puffy and my stomach gets very bloated. I had accidentally eaten gluten and when my dad saw me he says, " I don't understand what happened to you, last week you were skinny and beautiful but this week you aren't. I don't get it how did you gain so much weight so quickly?" Here's the thing, I actually hadn't gained weight, my body was just inflamed from an allergic reaction. I already felt terrible about how I looked, and then this comment just made me feel even worse.
These kind of comments have really effected me over the years. There have been points where I talk to him about it and he has apologized for hurting my feelings, but they still happen. I have told him certain subjects are off limits. My weight is not to be discussed especially because I struggle with an eating disorder. I told him that and he understood. There just are still comments made about me that I don't think he understands that though factual are incredibly hurtful. What advice do you have for me?
Hi Charlie,
one of the best skills to learn is to never take anything personally.
This is especially true when dealing with someone on the spectrum. We care about truth more than we care about peoples feelings. Truth is my religion and this often gets me into trouble.
My 15YO autistic daughter recently said to me 'you're weird'. I laughed and said 'I know'. After a pause and without thinking much about how it might make her feel I said 'so why do you think you are weird?'
In my ignorance I thought we might have a sophomoric discussion about the word weird and its wider implications within the family. Of course all it did was upset her and she went and hid in her room for a couple of days.
It depends on the context. I am constantly finding subtle, believable ways to compliment my kids. I am genuinely proud of them. I have become enlightened to the reality and abundance. They can do no wrong in my eyes.
Yet occasionally I slip up
Thank you, I really appreciate hearing the perspective of the parent!
thank you it's my pleasure to help.
Your dad wants you to be happy and to flourish and he wants to help.
You could say to him 'dad, I'm impressed when you discover and point things out about me'
This might get him thinking about you more often and in a more positive way. As an autistic parent he is a narcissistic infant like me and will latch onto any and every means of obtaining validation (sometimes known as narcissistic supply).
If you praise him for his insight he will think about you even more and become more loving and connected to you. You might create an upward spiral of positivity.
You would be in effect parenting him and alleviating part of his autism which you might reasonably think is a bit much to ask.