Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm the child of an autistic parent (Dad) he is a really good parent, but being his child has posed a lot of challenges.
Here's two examples:
My family and I were spending time together and playing the game cards against humanity. So I pulled a card that said 'I am covered in *blank*' my dad didn't understand the premise of the game and thought it just was stating a fact about a person. His response was "Oh, you're covered in pimples!" I have struggled with acne most of my teenage life, and I am deeply insecure about it. I tried to play it off, but I ended up sobbing about it later.
Another time my dad commented on my weight. Some context, I have a gluten allergy, and when I eat it my face gets puffy and my stomach gets very bloated. I had accidentally eaten gluten and when my dad saw me he says, " I don't understand what happened to you, last week you were skinny and beautiful but this week you aren't. I don't get it how did you gain so much weight so quickly?" Here's the thing, I actually hadn't gained weight, my body was just inflamed from an allergic reaction. I already felt terrible about how I looked, and then this comment just made me feel even worse.
These kind of comments have really effected me over the years. There have been points where I talk to him about it and he has apologized for hurting my feelings, but they still happen. I have told him certain subjects are off limits. My weight is not to be discussed especially because I struggle with an eating disorder. I told him that and he understood. There just are still comments made about me that I don't think he understands that though factual are incredibly hurtful. What advice do you have for me?
This is my father 100%. But he always apologises. It has taken him years to adjust, but seeing him make genuine attempts to be conscious about how a thing has an affect on the other is what matters. He relents. A psychologist would say, what matters is not that we're unintentionally hurtful but the time it takes to Reconcile.
Now my other parent is often intentional in hurtfulness won't apologise. They'll change the conversation to be about them them, in this instance, Resentment has built up over time to the point where I finally laid down boundaries in response to their expectations and was Ghosted.
These two aren't together. And I'll take a messy, but humble parent any day. He's older now, and we are very similar in personality, so he feels I'm the only one he can yell at without a filter. My brother had it out with him at one family gathering, but I know he doesn't actually believe what he's saying. It's taken a really loooooong time for him to make changes. But since I have years of experience knowing he's willing to try, I know I can trust he cares. We're still working at it. He's just not been expected to behave in ways I've been expected to as he's been a highly sought after physicist and engineer his whole life. Life hasn't been the same for me. But I've also used both my parents as a lesson learned. They can fail where I will succeed. They are both Anti-Heroes in different ways.
One way to help a father recognise that appearance in our society is inherently tied to our self esteem, is to build an argument / a case around how Worth and Value are continually being assessed in a competitive social structure, where losers end up homeless: a serious matter is tied to appearance. Not just a feeling or emotion on the matter, there are REAL consequences.
A second part of this case can involve a little Self-discipline on his part. To mature and become a proper grown up, one must try to first ask how I will impact the other (when I care for them) and if perhaps I should hold my tongue and not "speak the obvious". Now, if what he intends is an External Processing as the first part of an evaluation which leads up to a Desire to Help, than perhaps he can discipline his response to take a "Pause of the the Cause" not process it out loud, and skip to the part where he simply says "what can I do to help". It can be difficult for us to process internally. I don't have a natural internal dialogue or monologue. I only see in pictures and hear music constantly... And this may be something to thoughtfully inquire with him about.
Thank you! Your experience and mine are very similar, and I think our dad's are very alike as well. He never is mean spirited, he just doesn't understand the emotional impact that his words have. Thank you for your help!