Published on 12, July, 2020
So I have had a few years now where I've found longstanding friendships toxic or untenable and I'm beginning to wonder if some of it is my rigid sense of justice and not really understanding how people and conflict work.
Examples:
Couple who wanted every plan to fit in with them and asked me to change a Halloween party date for them post invites going out. I decided this was unfriendly.
Old friend who always dropped me for new friends/partners.
Friend who forgot it was my birthday then told me I hadn't been considerate enough to her children with my choice of venue (I had already changed date and venue for them).
Couple who, when one got drunk and told me I couldn't be in love with my boyfriend because I make interactions so "scientific", tell me I'm blowing things out of proportion when I said I felt like I'd been betrayed and it had damaged my mental health and could they stop bringing it up.
I realise coming from me these all seem very justified but I am aware there is a pattern of me not understanding why these wrong things keep happening and why it seems the norm to just move past it and that the onus is on me to carry on the friendship like normal?
I am very confused but also know I can't just cut every person out because I haven't tried to understand how things work.
I just keep getting told I'm overreacting or being sensitive when people upset me. It always turns into me being asked if I've thought about how my getting upset and wanting to withdraw (because of something someone did!) Is affecting others and the strength of my relationships gets called into question.
It makes me feel awful but also, because I keep losing friends I have to ask if I'm the problem??
Stellar said:I have to ask if I'm the problem??
May I respectfully suggest that you ask yourself a slightly different question.......
"I have to ask if I'm the "DIFFERENCE.""
If you are anything like me, then the answer is a definitive YES.
Just because you are DIFFERENT doesn't mean that you are a / the PROBLEM.
Your 'difference' may pose a 'problem' to forming relationships to other people......but that is importantly different to saying that "YOU are the problem."
I haven't expressed that well......but I hope you get the gist?
Stellar - I hear you.
I don't know how old you are......I am old - half a century +
I have discovered that, whilst I may be an awkward, a non-included entity MOST of the time, when it comes to times that people REALLY need people - ie to tell them my truth / be honest / give them a safe place.......then I am the go-to-"friend"/associate/partner. Perhaps, I am one of the few "real" people in their lives?
I'm not saying that this is healthy, nor fair, but it does appear to be my truth. Accordingly,I have come to the conclusion that, whilst I may not be "fit" for the current Zeitgeist, I seem to be valuable when things "get real" for people that I associate with. I am content with my reality.
I hope you be happy with your lot for now. Listen to the others here who tell you differently to my truth. They may be right, I may be deluded.....or happy to accept a sad reality?
You hold your own fate - consult widely - decide as you see fit.
Very best regards
Number.
I do get the gist! I do not mean any of my comments to sound rude about ASD. I'm on the spectrum after all! I more meant does there sound to be behaviours I'm exhibiting that ARE problematic outside of ASD struggles with relationship dynamics etc.
Being surrounded by a discourse of people saying I'm the problem, I wanted to probe the idea in a forum of people who could extrapolate "autism" from "problem" in a way many NTs can't.
But no one seems to find my friend dropping when people upset me like I'm being unreasonable so that's good .... if lonely!