Published on 12, July, 2020
I used to do the whole "us vs them" thing with this, and on reflection I questioned whether this was a good idea. After all, we want them on our side.
However, I kind of get it. We are used to being "othered" and the double empathy problem exists for a reason.
I feel for me, it's almost like I'm speaking a completely different language at times, but I struggle with the translation. Even with autistic people, I may struggle with explaining what's going through my head, but it's still easier.
They're less likely to effectively shut me down and tell me to move on. I know NT's are well meaning but it couldn't be less helpful, which then leaves me feeling more ashamed and embarrassed, wishing I'd bottled it up instead.
I feel I'd want them to try and see it from my perspective but then I feel I'm asking for too much.
HMO said:I feel for me, it's almost like I'm speaking a completely different language at times, but I struggle with the translation
Yeah, I get that. It's a pervasive problem, if you have to deal with NTs on a regular basis. Generally, I find they're almost certain to misunderstand and misinterpret.
Maybe they feel the same - the double empathy problem?
But then, all people are individuals, some more open, or tolerant than others. It's easy to think, them vs us,, with justification - but then, aren't we just doing what we say they do, and othering them?
Last week a colleague decided it would be fun to mock me for being a vegetarian. She did this very publicly, in the staff room. Well, you know, it was - Don't you miss bacon? Animals don't have feelings you know! Well, we can't ask them, can we? Laughing, big joke, face all distorted with her own cleverness...
So, that's less an empathy problem than plain bullying, which I perceive is because she thinks of autism as just another 'woke' thing - not actually real.
Basically, her politics were at the root of her behaviour.
On the other hand, other colleagues are kind and accommodating- even though they clearly don't get what I'm saying most of the time.
I think it can be hard to try with people, when you can reasonably expect them to misunderstand you, as a minimum. Some people are kind though, tolerant, mean well.
That's something.
Pegg said:Last week a colleague decided it would be fun to mock me for being a vegetarian. She did this very publicly, in the staff room. Well, you know, it was - Don't you miss bacon? Animals don't have feelings you know! Well, we can't ask them, can we? Laughing, big joke, face all distorted with her own cleverness...
I'm sorry to hear that happened to you. People can be cruel and bullies never really grow out of it. I've been on the receiving end of such behaviour many times myself, when people mock what is different that they don't understand. It is deliberately done to make a show and there is no way they would behave like that if you encountered that person on their own.
The odd thing is that often the others, the ones that are normally kind, laugh along hysterically with the group. What are we supposed to do in that situation? Laugh along with them at our own humiliation? Of course the best ploy would be to have some kind of witty retort but the way they engineer it with everyone around means that is not going to happen. If I ever do think of something to say it only occurs to me long after the event.
Pegg said:But then, all people are individuals, some more open, or tolerant than others. It's easy to think, them vs us,, with justification - but then, aren't we just doing what we say they do, and othering them?
That's largely why I wanted to avoid doing it. I think it just comes out of the frustration of not being understood.
My main problem is not being able to speak up for myself. Even if we are super close (autistic or not), 99% of the time (possibly 100%), I will not say if I'm unhappy with anything. Why? I'm scared, I don't want to rock the boat, I don't want to make a fuss and I don't want to feel like I'm forcing someone to change their behaviour.
It's difficult being in my head.