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Dating.

Selina

I'm in my late 20s and have been curious about dating for quite a long time. I've wanted to try dating for ages, never have because of anxiety but since my dad got sick I realized if I leave it too late potentially my partner might not meet my parents, and if we had kids my kids might not know their grandparents and that's an upsetting thought and a worry but it's a realistic worry.

So with the above in mind I'm interested in dating and determined to give it a try in the next couple of months. I'm currently working at a preschool nursery, really fun job, the kids are great and the staff are all amazing and very supportive and understanding of my autism, even when I've unfortunately let them down and been unable to go in because my autism and anxiety were triggered. I couldn't wish to work in a better environment. The noise can be a bit much at times but when this happens I can go outside or in to the staff room. It's ideal for me and I love every second of it. I suffered a mental breakdown four years ago. At the time I never saw a future of myself where I would be well, happy and able to work and yet this hypothetical future is now a reality. Even now it feels like a dream.

Has anyone experience of dating and relationships with autism?

Would you say an autistic partner is best or do relationships with neurotypicals work out

And do you think it's worth me trying to do this? I've read so many accounts of dating for someone with autism and I know it's a bit of a lottery. I worry if I'm unsuccessful. I try not to overthink it though! 

I'm lucky the woman who employed me is helping me try to become independent and I've considered asking her thoughts on this too.

  • This is a difficult subject as we all have our diffrent traits. I am 54 and married for 18 years to a 'normal woman' but until internet dating came along it was hell. I never got relationships as a teen, no siblings, parents not loving, boys only school, I didn't have a clue. Even when I started meeting women when I started work I just didn't get the whole thing. Only when I got my own place and the internet arrived didn't I get anywhere. 

    I think i would massivley struggle now as I am not the same person I was when I met my wife. I had no idea I had ASD and ADHD and suffered a massive meltdown in 2020 I have not fully recovered from. I think now if I became single I would just want a girlfriend and live on my own. It can work, I knew I never wanted kids from i was very young and now see I would have never handled it, I am far too selfish. It is basically down to three things, first actually being active in looking and the second is luck, then it takes work.

  • Selina said:
    Has anyone experience of dating and relationships with autism?

    I'm in my mid 50s and only diagnosed a few years ago.

    I never found much of a problem in having relationships, but making them last took a lot of work as i always tended to want to pull away and have more alone time while the partners would expect to be doing stuff together a lot of the time.

    Not knowing that I was autistic meant I though of myself as normal (neurotypical) and masked to a degree to be what I thought I should be like - it worked very well and I was able to meet females and develop long term relationships (typically many years and the latest is in year 26).

    My recommendation if to negotiate your needs and allow some give and take - it isn't all about you so think about your partner and sometimes put yourself out of your comfort zone for them.

    Being open and honest and asking for the same in return works well - just don't expect it to be all for your needs and where the needs are conflicting, negotiate.

    That's my take on relationships and so far it has worked well for me, but results may vary...

  • I have never tried dating seriously, although I always thought I would struggle to convey my needs and boundaries with someone who isn't autistic, purely because of how differently our brains work. It's almost like speaking a different language, and it's hard when the other person isn't seeing it from your perspective (but it comes down to me to verbalise it).

  • ,

    Thank you so much for your reply last night. I'm not sure where it went but luckily I got the email notification. Relaxed️ 

    Dating is a bit of a lottery by the seems of it. For some it works out and for others unfortunately it doesn't. It's the same for NTs but for us it's extra challenging because we have so much to process and we struggle with social interaction and in some cases physical contact... But that's not to say we can't do it, some of us can, but for others it's a lot harder.

    Hopefully it will work out for me, if not, I'll get myself a cat instead and then at least I've got company. Lol. Also I hope when the time is right for you you'll find the person of your dreams! You never know what will happen. That's the fun thing with life, it can be pleasantly surprising.