Published on 12, July, 2020
I don’t know how to put it in words but I’m not officially diagnosed (waiting for assessment) but I’ve noticed that I can’t do anything without having someone doing the same thing as me, even when it comes to activities I enjoy. For example in primary school up unto secondary school I would study or even do work in complete silence with my friend with none of us talking for hours. But over time going through sixth/university and now masters. I’ve been unable to do anything work, studies, or even go to classes because I didn’t have anyone to do all these things with and because of that everything has been done really last minute even my masters dissertation (which I only started 38 hours before it’s due date… like I had no words and only i small idea of my topic [my dissertation topic was suggested to me by my dad and I agreed to do it but a conversation for a different day]) Now fast forward now I unfortunately don’t have much friends and the ones I have live super far away not to mention they have their own lives (24) now I find I can’t participate in any of my interests because i don’t have anyone to just sit with in silence with. Like in primary school and secondary I used to draw but after this I completely went cold turkey until 2023 and now it’s hurts that I’m not drawing but at the same time I can’t draw because i don’t have a friend to do it with…. This long winded explanation is just to ask how to do things alone?
ps i can only do things alone if I’ve been given instructions to do so like in employment or people telling me what to do. However things for myself - eating, showering going to toilet. Things with me I can’t do. Any suggestions
I work well alone but I did find out something about me when, for a few years, when I had a decent job, I took out a mortgage and had a house (Later had to sell the house got half its value back as estate agent and buyer kinda worked together and took advantage of me but I broke even to the penny when I wored out how much money I had spent on the house as well as after paying back the morgage when I sold it etc...)
But during those few years I could not really live in my house I had... I had plenty to do. Projects I had given myself etc.. But I would just sit there. Yet if I was at "Home" where my parents lived (Live with Mum as Dad passed away), I would do things.
So what was the difference as if I do things for myself, I have always worked alone. I am one that others would grab two or three people to help them where doing the same task I would end up working out ways to do it alone. Yet I would be used by others to help them on things they never needed help to begin with! But I always had difficulties getting others to help me. It was nearly always one way help. (Though sometimes I dis get Dad or brothers to help... But as a general rule it was other way around where I'd be struggling myself and have to work out ways how I could do things alone).
But why was it that when I was totally alone, I could not function? I was capable. I could do the things I needed to do but I didn't. Was like there was an invisible wall!
I tried to work it out. When at "Home" doing things alone where I could do things. Or when "At my house" (That I used to have), where I couldn't do things alone. What was the difference?
I worked it out. Having someone else around in the background sort of triggered me somehow so I could do things. They didn't even have to be where I was, but the visual movement somehow triggered me into doing things. It enabled my mind to function so I could think of the processes needed to do the task.
But without that distant visual (Or audiable) stimilation, I just sat there until it got dark or something would make me look at the time and I would then get in the car and drive the 14.5 (Approx) miles to my parents house... (Needed to go there anyway as slept there as my work uiform was there and food etc...).
And I proved this as the times when I was at "My house" and my Mum was there in the background doing something elss, or a friend of mine was there who I am 100% convinced he is on the spectrum! :D ) I could get things done and function ok.
Isn't it weird how our brains work!
(Late last night I had something mentally click inside me which now I feel more able to think the processes of doing things... Hope whatever the click is stays!) :D
Omg thinking about it. I just realised I too was one of those who people would be like “hey let’s study together” “let’s do this” “help me with this” and I end up doing the work even if it’s a subject I don’t study I would learn it for that particular assignment to help or assist but when it’s done I forget and you couldn’t ask me anything. And I spent the longest time saying I study/ do things to pass or get by and not to learn. Could it be an issue of being where because someone is there I have to do this this this so they don’t think negatively of me… but if it is why can’t I seem to function alone??