Published on 12, July, 2020
yo, so i was at work under long hours and tired not wanting to be there and always thinking about quitting and hows its miserable there.then i thought to myself, i deserve to suffer, then for some reason that thought made the bad feelings go away a bit and made me a bit happier... so im wondering is that mindfulness? although its accepting suffering, which mindfulness usually denies suffering and bad things so it seems to be contrary to mindfulness as its acceptance of suffering rather than denial of.
I think observing your thoughts could be described as mindfulness, and if you observe yourself going down a negative path it gives you an opportunity to stop those thoughts and do something else.
Mindfulness isn't about denying suffering, it's about being hyper-aware of what you're sensing. In that respect you're being mindful, but I'd say in a negative way, as it sounds like you hate your job and wantonly punishing yourself isn't going to be beneficial in the long-term.
If I were you I'd think about finding new employment you'd find rewarding, rather than punishing.
I don't think it's mindfulness. I think that it might have something to do with masking, but I'm so completely sure—might be wrong, even.