Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, I turned 18 a few months ago, and as you do when you grow up, you have increased responsiblities. As i've gone through my life I've learnt to drive (I still need to try and pass the second time), gotten a job, and understood why I act the way that I do (I was diagnosed as autistic 4 weeks ago now), all of which I thought I would struggle with, but the realisation of the huge change that comes with adulthood has hit me as I am going to university in September if I get the grades I need for it.
I am not living alone at the moment, but I will do when at university so I can get the independence I want to push myself to be a responsible adult rather than living with my mum. Despite the fact I am not currently paying bills while I complete my A-Levels, only my phone bill, I am bombarded with the things I need to do and feel overwhelmed. I have to study for my exams (which will include so much in the final ones), I really want to pass my driving test this second time because it's unfair for my parents to pay for a car to practice in (I feel extremely guilty), and unmasking my autism has led me to grow apart from family and previous friends because I am no longer forcing conversation if I feel I can't contribute anything.
The friendship aspect really upsets me as I will be completely by myself at university with no one there I know, and I struggle with change, but I will try my hardest to mask until I can find friends that I connect with, and pay bills at the same time. I need to look into how to manage money (Martin Lewis has been reccomended), but I feel overwhelmed by everything else I need to do and also want time to rewind after being overstimulated at sixth form practically every day. I feel like a failure even though I have been diagnosed and am putting in sensory aids (headphones, fidget toys) and plans/checklists for every day to help me. I feel like i'm never doing enough and that i'll struggle being an independent adulthood until I can learn to adapt to the change.
If you have read this long post, then thank you.
You only have a set amount of energy before you run out, so don't be so hard on yourself. Just concentrate on your grades and the driving test for now. And many, many people don't get the driving test on their first try, it's almost expected that they'll need to try again. It gives you more practice until you get your license. And you could pay your parents back sometime in the future, I mean you're 18 right now, you have probably 80 years more, so it gives you plenty of time to not only pay your parents back, but to spend time with people, learn independence, and so on.