Published on 12, July, 2020
He/him, 21. I really think I screwed up this time…
for awhile, after graduating high school back in 2021 (thank god that’s over), I started working, but also wanting to go to college.
However, things got more stressful at home, like my mom had a neurological event, my dad got a new job running a shop with a friend of his (not hiring anyone atm) but is having a hard time with pay since the shop is still isn’t all that popular.
i started paying bills, alongside my dad, and I felt college was maybe too stressful and too expensive, some people telling me it’s practically a scam if you can figure out life yourself.
i work at a grocery store, and I decided, “let’s keep this resume going, it’s the only job I’ve had and I wanna see if I can get into management”. I went from bagger to cashier in a few months a couple years ago, then recently training at service desk. Unfortunately, I had made a few mistakes here and there a good few times, probably too often but still learning from it, recently not being scheduled as desk just cashier. Didn’t think too much about it but I believe it’s becoming obvious…They haven’t been wanting me to go into the office and organizing and counting money (even tho now I get it). There was a time a few days ago that when the closer was on break, I was about to go home, and another manager told me the closer at desk doesn’t want me in there. And they’ve been kind of on my ass for being in there.
there is a silent demotion going on-
i really screwed up, this is the only job I’ve had, and probably the easier because a lot of other places rejected me here in this area, and now I may get my resume screwed over, and/or I may get fired. Right now, and for the past week, i’ve been angrier at my autism more than ever. This is way angrier than I usually am with my autism. I can’t believe I let myself get to this point where I screwed up a promotion, thinking I can let this resume go without having multiple jobs. But now my resume may end up crappy due to this incident. And I am unsure about going to college. I am just so mad at my autism right now.
people irl for the past few months haven’t been wanting to be around me, I can’t trust anyone on the internet, I feel so lonely and have no one to scream to. I can’t get therapy right now because I still don’t have insurance. I also found out that there are people talking to people that I DO NOT LIKE at all for reasons, including people I considered friends, talking to my cousin that is a manipulative narcissist. End of 2023 isn’t going so well… I’m unsure of what to even do. I feel so cornered, lonely, and the only thing I can blame it on is my dumbass autism. I hate it so much, I wish I was normal… also, I do…smoke… w***. Dont know if I’m allowed to mention that on here but I will say this, I don’t believe that stuff has anything to do with any of this because even before I started doing it, i was the same way. So if anything, quitting will only make things worse. (I normally do not smoke right before work, however)
I'm not so sure that you have "screwed up"...
You sound like you are well balanced, quite self aware and have a good work ethic.
You are also bright enough to have figured out that debt is the lever used to enslave people, and have avoided the first debt trap.
As for the "devils lettuce" I found that a smoke at the end of the working day but not at the start was perfectly O.K. and helps me keep out of trouble (I'm auhd) but to "wake and bake" kills my motivation for the day and customer facing ability AKA productivity, OTOH, if you have a really easy and boring job, a weed can be innocuous mostly. I've been smoking ganj for 45 years with the occasional break of up to six months at a time, and I'm in way better physical condition than my hard drinking mates so it isn't the worst choice you could make, but obviously we were't designed to smoke, so there is probably a better way to play the game of life still.
The world of commerce and business is competitive and weed reduces your "will to win" (particularly if in order for you to win someone else needs to lose badly) so smoking weed makes you poor twice once for the cost of it, and once because you don't grab everything that you can.
There are other drugs that will not affect your "will to win", and will give you some advantages even in that arena, but at the expense of your basic humanity and much greater financial cost, and a physical/psychological cost if you have to withdraw suddenly, so be very careful before trying anything else would be my advice and a strategy I've found successful over a long period of time.
At least you aren't wasting away in a darkened room in someone else virtual reality. Respect Given.
I think if I read it right you've been there 2 years, and not obtained much in the way of promotion, so a strategy of continuing to do your best, (It NEVER hurts to do that) whilst preparing to be "moving on" is clearly indicated.
You show a mix of maturity of thought, (with enough clarity to avoid the first of many traps set for young people in this life) and humility that I find very appealing in a "manager", so your next job should probably have an element of managerial training, (some of which you'll find initially either unpleasant or wrong, I suspect, but that's because people are the way they are).
I do wish you good luck, and hope there'#s something here that you can use.