Published on 12, July, 2020
I really need some advice...
So I have trouble focusing on more than one thing at once; I tend to use all my attention on the person or activity in front of me, and while I try and avoid things I know I will hyperfixate on, it doesn't always work.
This has always impacted all types of relationships but I guess now it has gotten worse. Me and my partner are long distance, we regularly meet up and have been together 3 years. She gets me and is so supportive of me no matter how chaotic I am and I am happy to say we got engaged this year. However due to finance reasons we haven't moved in together just yet.
She has adhd and I have autism, which is great but they also clash. And I am not good at phone calls texts or remembering to do anything unless its right in front of me, whereas she is so used to doing 20 things at once. So she always helps me out and sets up reminders and is there for me when I fall down. But im not always there for her and that makes things one sided. And I annoy myself because its not even like I don't want to be, she is my world and I would help her through anything. And though i have hourly alarms to remind me to do things like eat and check our messages, and she always gives ne a 5 min warning before she calls, I always end up missing the calls and ignoring the reminders when she needs me most because im hyoerfixated on my uni work or minecraft or a book or some mythology im researching and I cant keep making her feel like she has no one to turn to or that I say im there and want to be there but then show the opposite in my actions.
So basically im asking how do people manage hyperfocus, or even remembering to regularly communicate when something isn't necessarily visible 24/7.
And thank you for your time reading this xxx
UPDATE:
Okay, this is for anyone in a similar situation looking for some advice.
I spoke to both my partner and my neurodivergent mentor - what came out of it was really useful.
1) Hyperfocus, while semi-disruptive, is understandable and not the problem.
It is the type of communication:
My all-or-nothing brain decided to view my partner as needing more communication, meaning I needed to push myself to message them every moment of every day. This is the quickest way to burn yourself out!
What my partner actually meant is, "I worry about you; I just need to know you are okay from time", and that feeling lonely wasn't a symptom of feeling unloved; it was feeling like I was so constant on answers and solutions, rather than on just listening.
This brings me to my most important point...
2) A need to fix, or tunnel vision as I call it, is just a way of processing my environment.
When I upset someone I love or they are upset in general and come to talk to me, my instinct is to fix it, and I can't let it go. This is because my brain is oriented towards getting all the information, or in other words, answers. This is not a bad thing I need to stop, as it is a way of sensory processing. Instead, it is something I need to acknowledge and make space for.
In other words, I ask myself, "Am I hearing this person, or am I fixing them?" and then ask them, "Do you need me to listen or help?" Then, afterwards, I will save myself some time to process this. This both respects their needs and mine. And that's the key.
Yes, I can't believe it was that simple, but I suppose this happens when you are constantly fighting yourself. I hope someone else finds this helpful!!! And remember, you need both parts of the equation for it to help them and you communicate and feel better.