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Hyperfocus and Long distance relationship

NAS90868

I really need some advice...

So I have trouble focusing on more than one thing at once; I tend to use all my attention on the person or activity in front of me, and while I try and avoid things I know I will hyperfixate on, it doesn't always work.

This has always impacted all types of relationships but I guess now it has gotten worse. Me and my partner are long distance, we regularly meet up and have been together 3 years. She gets me and is so supportive of me no matter how chaotic I am and I am happy to say we got engaged this year. However due to finance reasons we haven't moved in together just yet.

She has adhd and I have autism, which is great but they also clash. And I am not good at phone calls texts or remembering to do anything unless its right in front of me, whereas she is so used to doing 20 things at once. So she always helps me out and sets up reminders and is there for me when I fall down. But im not always there for her and that makes things one sided. And I annoy myself because its not even like I don't want to be, she is my world and I would help her through anything. And though i have hourly alarms to remind me to do things like eat and check our messages, and she always gives ne a 5 min warning before she calls, I always end up missing the calls and ignoring the reminders when she needs me most because im hyoerfixated on my uni work or minecraft or a book or some mythology im researching and I cant keep making her feel like she has no one to turn to or that I say im there and want to be there but then show the opposite in my actions.

So basically im asking how do people manage hyperfocus, or even remembering to regularly communicate when something isn't necessarily visible 24/7.

And thank you for your time reading this xxx

  • UPDATE:

    Okay, this is for anyone in a similar situation looking for some advice.

    I spoke to both my partner and my neurodivergent mentor - what came out of it was really useful.

    1) Hyperfocus, while semi-disruptive, is understandable and not the problem.

    It is the type of communication:

    My all-or-nothing brain decided to view my partner as needing more communication, meaning I needed to push myself to message them every moment of every day. This is the quickest way to burn yourself out!

    What my partner actually meant is, "I worry about you; I just need to know you are okay from time", and that feeling lonely wasn't a symptom of feeling unloved; it was feeling like I was so constant on answers and solutions, rather than on just listening.

    This brings me to my most important point...

    2) A need to fix, or tunnel vision as I call it, is just a way of processing my environment.

    When I upset someone I love or they are upset in general and come to talk to me, my instinct is to fix it, and I can't let it go. This is because my brain is oriented towards getting all the information, or in other words, answers. This is not a bad thing I need to stop, as it is a way of sensory processing. Instead, it is something I need to acknowledge and make space for.

    In other words, I ask myself, "Am I hearing this person, or am I fixing them?" and then ask them, "Do you need me to listen or help?" Then, afterwards, I will save myself some time to process this. This both respects their needs and mine. And that's the key. 

    Yes, I can't believe it was that simple, but I suppose this happens when you are constantly fighting yourself. I hope someone else finds this helpful!!! And remember, you need both parts of the equation for it to help them and you communicate and feel better.

  • in reply to NAS90868
    NAS90868 said:
    So its not a matter of me not caring. That and in past relationships that I have felt little connection to I have ended as quickly as possible because it wouldn't have been fair on either of us.

    Mirroring a discussion I had with my therapist on a similar issue I have - "have you considered that you need to let them decide if it is fair on them? Don't decide for them".

    Connections can take time to build and often need nurturing that may feel difficult for us. That does not mean we can just walk away from it because we find it uncomfortable. The least you can do is have an open and honest conversation about the situation with whoever is involved before you walk away.

    It can take us having the conversation to realise that things aren't as one sided as we think - I recommend you at least consider it before acting.

  • in reply to Iain

    I like the idea of a separate device, thank you.

    I appreciate where you are coming from with the "is the one-sided thing because you aren't as invested", but from experience this issue happens with family members and friends too. It basically happens with everyone I care about. So its not a matter of me not caring.

  • NAS90868 said:
    ow do people manage hyperfocus, or even remembering to regularly communicate when something isn't necessarily visible 24/7.

    I think you need to have the reminders work in a way that you interrupt whatever you are doing to look at them and decide what to do.

    If you decide to go back to your Uni work, book or game then you are clearly saying that these are more important than her - and in the moment that may be the case.

    It may be a case that you need a separate phone with the reminders and alerts that you must respond to - sometimes having everything on the one phone means you miss the important stuff amongst the dross of everyway alerts from email etc. Having a "bat signal" type phone may just be what you need to jump when it goes off.

    That fact that it is one sided for most things suggests to me that you may not be as committed as you believe. You need to ask why you are not giving her the priority and attention she deserves - this may be self sabotage.

    If you use a therapist then this is something to discuss with them.