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How to get my to understand

Rach91

Hi my name Rachel and I’m on the spectrum my boyfriend is also on the spectrum. Basically we could be having a conversation on WhatsApp and he will just disappear mid conversation not just for a few minutes it could be over an hour. I get really frustrated by this and I find it extremely rude. I have tried and tried and tried to get him to understand but we just end up arguing about it. He says he busy with his dad or he over a friends and I just say to him why couldn’t you have told me this instead of leaving me hanging that triggers my anxiety. How can we resolve this I have tried talking to him about this so many times but I just can’t get through to him. Has anyone got advice I would really appreciate it. 

  • Rach91 said:
    I just say to him why couldn’t you have told me this instead of leaving me hanging that triggers my anxiety.

    I think that he has already made the subconcious decision that your chit chat is not as important as the person who has travelled to visit them.

    It will help if you can accept this characteristic from him as it is unlikely to change (behaviour changes are very hard for people on the spectrum). Reading too much into it and telling him he is wrong in his behaviour is about as likely to change things as shouting at a cloud for going in front of the sun when you were enjoying a bit of sunbathing.

    I'm sure you have habits or behaviours he finds equally unexplicable so for the relationship to work you are best to develop a handful of allowed behaviours that frustrate you - learn to accept that the other party is different to you and you cannot bend them to your will.

    For trivial situations like this it is the best approach whereas if it was dangerous or painful (eg walking off and leaving you in a strange place or playing music at max volume in the car) then if is a fight worth having.

    The phrase "don't sweat the small stuff" springs to mind.

  • I have no advice to offer you Rach91, but I can understand your frustration and why you consider it rude. If the conversation needs to end because he suddenly needs to do something, can your boyfriend not send a simple message along the lines of, "Sorry, got to go. Will try to message later"?