Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi I'm mum and I'm allistic and my son is autistic. We had a Frank and sobering conversation today which shocked and saddened me but I'm glad in a way as I'm glad my son was honest with me..he told me in not so many words he'd rather not be alive due to his Autism as in life the one things he feels that matters the most is the emotional side of things which he can't have ie he was upset that he can't even experience those loving interactions that most neuro typical people take for granted..he basically feels very alone. I feel very sad for him and its frustrating as a mum who loves him very much that there is nothing I can do for him. So this is why I have come on here to ask the question of ..is there happiness to be had in this life when you have Autism? He works hard at fending off the depression that he feels as a result of Autism (ie not clinical depression) he exercises as he says that helps his mental state and he tries to eat right and he has stopped drinking alcohol all together. He doesn't feel enthusiastic about getting outside and doing anything as he says it won't make him any happier if he does interact with people even if he took meds to deal with anxiety etc he doesn't see the point.
I was diagnosed with depression at 18 which is unresponsive to treatment and then given a preliminary diagnosis of autism at 50.
Since then I discovered that I have alexithymia which is relatively common in autistic people. It is why I couldn't say when I was last happy or experienced joy or enjoyed doing something, I wasn't classically depressed, hence being resistant to standard treatment.
I apparently do feel, it's just I'm calibrated incorrectly and I just struggle identifying my feelings and how to deal with them. If happiness is a scale of 1-10, I can't make it past 4. Seeing someone else experiencing joy or gratitude tends to make me cry, there's no attached feeling just the tears. It difficult to explain to myself let alone others.
I tend to now to look at contentment or comfort as a measure rather than something possibly unobtainable. It is difficult and it takes adjusting expectations.I still struggle with it and it can be isolating but with support or being stubborn(yes that's me) you can get to learn to accept it.
I hope some of this might be helpful. As always seek professional help if possible.
I wish you and your son all the best.