Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi I am 37 years of age. I was recently diagnosed with high functioning autism. It affects my verbal communication such that I find it difficult to initiate conversation and frequently don't know how to respond when people initiate conversation with me.
I did have a girlfriend a few months ago but we split up due to my inability to initiate conversation with her. She felt I didn't make an effort to talk to her and it was always up to her to initiate conversation. We had multiple arguments on this subject until she decided she has had enough. I did tell her on multiple occasions I am autistic but didn't really help.
Having special interests really didn't do me any favors as I would concentrate on whatever i was doing at the time and ignore her messages. I had set a specific ringtone to make myself answer her messages. 10 times out of 10 I didn't have anything to say other than what I was doing. I think it made it difficult for her to continue the conversation because she knows nothing about my hobbies.
I feel stuck and hopeless.
Forgive me if I am being too intrusive NAS90565. When you entered into your relationship with your ex-girlfriend, had the pair of you been on any dates beforehand?
Maybe my question above is irrelevant, but when you first told your ex-girlfriend about your ASD, did you explain to her in detail how it affects you?
I was in my early 40s when I realised I was autistic. Before that, if I had entered into a relationship with an ASD man, I dare say I probably would have done some research about ASD, but I'm not so sure that it would ever have occurred to me to ask, "How does it affect YOU?"
It is unclear what arrangements you had with your ex-girlfriend regarding contact. As an ASD woman, I know that if I was in a relationship with anyone (ASD or NT), it probably wouldn't concern me if I messaged a boyfriend and heard nothing back within 24 hours. Disappointed, yes, but it wouldn't be the end of the world. However, if several days had passed and I still hadn't heard anything, then I would worry, feel irritated, and interpret it as a lack of interest in me and the relationship.
Furthermore, if I felt like I was the one always having to initiate contact, it would contribute to me thinking the other person wasn't interested. The same is true if I felt they only wanted to talk about themselves and their 'special interests'. I am not implying that this is what you had been doing with your ex-girlfriend, by the way.
There is nothing you can do about your autism (there is no 'cure'), but my advice for any future relationships would be to be as clear as you can to any potential girlfriends about how your autism affects you. Make it clear that if they contact you whilst you are focused on your special interests, and they don't receive an immediate response, it's not because you are intentionally avoiding them. If you find yourself struggling with things to say, then maybe ask if there is anything they would like to talk about.
All relationships have their ups and downs, but if you can learn to communicate effectively with the other person (even if it's in a non-verbal way), then it should help to make things a little less fractious.