Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi I am 37 years of age. I was recently diagnosed with high functioning autism. It affects my verbal communication such that I find it difficult to initiate conversation and frequently don't know how to respond when people initiate conversation with me.
I did have a girlfriend a few months ago but we split up due to my inability to initiate conversation with her. She felt I didn't make an effort to talk to her and it was always up to her to initiate conversation. We had multiple arguments on this subject until she decided she has had enough. I did tell her on multiple occasions I am autistic but didn't really help.
Having special interests really didn't do me any favors as I would concentrate on whatever i was doing at the time and ignore her messages. I had set a specific ringtone to make myself answer her messages. 10 times out of 10 I didn't have anything to say other than what I was doing. I think it made it difficult for her to continue the conversation because she knows nothing about my hobbies.
I feel stuck and hopeless.
Forgive me if I am being too intrusive NAS90565. When you entered into your relationship with your ex-girlfriend, had the pair of you been on any dates beforehand?
Maybe my question above is irrelevant, but when you first told your ex-girlfriend about your ASD, did you explain to her in detail how it affects you?
I was in my early 40s when I realised I was autistic. Before that, if I had entered into a relationship with an ASD man, I dare say I probably would have done some research about ASD, but I'm not so sure that it would ever have occurred to me to ask, "How does it affect YOU?"
It is unclear what arrangements you had with your ex-girlfriend regarding contact. As an ASD woman, I know that if I was in a relationship with anyone (ASD or NT), it probably wouldn't concern me if I messaged a boyfriend and heard nothing back within 24 hours. Disappointed, yes, but it wouldn't be the end of the world. However, if several days had passed and I still hadn't heard anything, then I would worry, feel irritated, and interpret it as a lack of interest in me and the relationship.
Furthermore, if I felt like I was the one always having to initiate contact, it would contribute to me thinking the other person wasn't interested. The same is true if I felt they only wanted to talk about themselves and their 'special interests'. I am not implying that this is what you had been doing with your ex-girlfriend, by the way.
There is nothing you can do about your autism (there is no 'cure'), but my advice for any future relationships would be to be as clear as you can to any potential girlfriends about how your autism affects you. Make it clear that if they contact you whilst you are focused on your special interests, and they don't receive an immediate response, it's not because you are intentionally avoiding them. If you find yourself struggling with things to say, then maybe ask if there is anything they would like to talk about.
All relationships have their ups and downs, but if you can learn to communicate effectively with the other person (even if it's in a non-verbal way), then it should help to make things a little less fractious.
Autism is not shyness. No doubt you may have been told throughout your life that your social difficulties were due to shyness. However that wasn't true, as your recent autism diagnosis confirms.
The autistic brain is wired differently and processes social interactions in a different way to non autistics. Autists tend to be highly monotropic and motivated by our interests. Therefore that is naturally what we want to talk about if we want to talk at all (autists can prefer not to communicate verbally). There is nothing wrong with that and it is not something you need to overcome. It is who you are.
As a 'high functioning' autistic person it is possible to use intellect to learn some appropriate social responses in social situations. Note some members of the autistic community find the use of functioning labels offensive and unhelpful. They are not and never were an official diagnosis.
You could learn some appropriate small talk and script responses in advance, so that you can think of something to say. That is known as masking and is what many autistic people do to function in society. However it is exhausting, bad for mental health and ultimately pointless. The other person will likely sense that you aren't being your true self.
I think your ex girlfriend was wrong to put the blame on you and showed a complete lack of understanding of what it means to be autistic. You would be much better off finding someone who shares your interests or at least understands how important they are to you.
Be yourself. If you can't think of anything to say then it is fine to just not say anything.
Yes you learn to adjust to life. It can be hard, really hard but shyness is a part of autism and you have to embrace everything with your Autism the good and the bad otherwise you will be miserable.
You can get through these hardships and life will get easier but it can be a long journey to reach the other side. But it's a challenge worth overcoming.
You are awesome never forget that
You don't overcome shyness, you just use learn to cope with it and deal with it in better ways. That means there will still be frustrations along the way. I'm 39, male, never really had relationships. They don't interest me. This year I've pushed myself more to meet people and make some friends. It caused me all sorts of anxiety issues prior to meeting these people, but once I was into the situation I felt more comfortable after a while.
It's worth pushing through the unpleasantness to come out the other side with something positive.
I can recommend just challenging yourself here and there. Get your confidence up a bit. Volunteer for something, join MeetUp groups that interest you etc. Find people who also like your special interests.
The girlfriend you've mentioned sounds entirely ignorant to autism and it's challenges, so that's not someone you really want to be going out with. Sounds like she just got frustrated without realising what was going on.