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Because of my oh so autistic brain I had a meltdown because I got in the post

Goosey
11 months ago

I was feeling brave the other day so I  decided to push the boat and when the postman knocked on the door I answered it. I didn’t want to who does?

It’s a stranger at the door

In seconds my brain had created loads of negative scenarios
What if the postman is ill and I get ill?
What if I he comments on me?
What if I faint?
What if he starts talking and I have to commit to a conversation?

This and more was going through my head

Before I reached the door I was filled with terrible anxiety, my
stomach became swollen and painful, chest hurt, heart racing and I was feeling sweaty like I had a fever

But like a crazy person I answered the door anyway

Guess I was expecting it to go well for some weird reason

it was the postman. he had a parcel and some letters. He asked the name and I said yes

And then he decided to make small talk. Nice weather isn’t it. Looking back now I’m guessing this was a humour statement as it’s clearly not nice weather

at the time I said no and then fearing he was going to
say something again and I was really starting to feel ill by now I said bye and closed the door

The look he gave me as the door closed was... I don’t know not a nice look

He probably thought me an arrogant and rude woma jad he seen what took place after he wouldn’t have thought that hope not anyway

Afterwards I fell to pieces. Crying and shaking I was sick twice. And now I’m left feeling totally exhausted and my body is aching all over

My muscles are tense painful headache like someone’s squeezing my head

I went from feeling brave and confident answering the door to feeling overwhelmed by anxiety and feeling a complete failure

Confidence shattered in a heartbeat

Now in bed resting and feeling terrible online I can be so sociable feel happy calm and safe

In person I’m shy and awkward.

Times like this I feel nothing but hate towards myself

This was days ago and I'm still tired and aching. It's like a bomb goes off in me and my body has to heal again after.

I'm going to rest again now I'm super tired right now x

Parents
  • 11 months ago

    Hi Goosey, first of all well done for answering the door, it’s always a daunting task, I’m most probably twice your age and still often hide when there’s a knock at the door. The random pleasantries have thrown me more times than I can remember. I  do exactly the same with the, “nice weather.” Brain will just say,” thank you” and I shut the door, I then believe the caller must think me weird. Honestly don’t beat yourself up, it’s brain protecting us, fight or flight? I know which way I always go. 

Reply
  • 11 months ago

    Hi Goosey, first of all well done for answering the door, it’s always a daunting task, I’m most probably twice your age and still often hide when there’s a knock at the door. The random pleasantries have thrown me more times than I can remember. I  do exactly the same with the, “nice weather.” Brain will just say,” thank you” and I shut the door, I then believe the caller must think me weird. Honestly don’t beat yourself up, it’s brain protecting us, fight or flight? I know which way I always go. 

Children
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