Published on 12, July, 2020
When it was first suggested to me that I might be autistic I began watching various autistic influencers on YouTube and read books by similar people.
But one glaring thing stuck out for me, and I’ve just come across another example. Specifically, these influencers without exception seem to be married, be in a relationship, have children.
And yet for me the single most life-ruining aspect of my condition is my utter inability to form relationships. It’s like everyone else has telepathy and I don’t. I thought this was one of the defining characteristics of autism.
So are these high profile authors and videographers representative of autistic people or am I the sad exception?
I think that autistic women find that starting a relationship, at least, is easier for them than it is for autistic men, because it is socially expected that men will take a more active role in initiating 'romance'. This does not mean that female autists do not have problems, for example they are more prone to become involved in abusive relationships than their neurotypical peers. I'm autistic and have been married for 27 years and have two talented, neurodivergent, children. I found it impossible to form romantic connections for many years. I was undiagnosed but recognised, eventually, that I had a number of problems. I had difficulty in recognising when a woman found me attractive, though I sometimes recognised it when it was far too late. I was also - probably because I could not recognise non-verbal signalling - very inhibited from making my interest in anyone obvious, for fear of rejection. I think that I also appeared emotionally unavailable. I eventually solved this by researching non-verbal communication, so I had at least an intellectual grasp of it, and, by an effort of will, making myself socially brave, so that I took risks in approaching women I found attractive and possibly being rejected. I was so successful, that at the beginning of my relationship with my future wife, she said that I was amazingly emotionally open.
It is a wide wide spectrum we all participate in our own respective way
Yes. I've listened to a few of these and she's one of the small number of people who I'd say has been interesting and helpful to listen to.
I watched a few of these YouTube accounts. I don't really get on with the term "influencer", however out of the people on YouTube I have seen, I haven't seen many who I've found particularly helpful and a few who I'm somewhat sceptical of. It's difficult for me, knowing that these are monetised accounts, some of whom I imagine are making a decent living from it, and not having the message tainted by this. I don't know why. Saying that, I can't really relate to a lot of them either. It's worth remembering that anyone can create a YouTube account and start making videos so any advice should all be taken with a sceptical eye / pinch of salt. There's no such thing as one size fits all.
"So are these high profile authors and videographers representative of autistic people", I really doubt it. To have the time and confidence to do this you're looking at a specific part of the spectrum and specific abilities. That narrows it down to a very narrow field. What worries me with some of these accounts (and I'm deliberately leaving out names) is how they've evolved from straight up autism awareness videos to incorporating a lot of identity politics. Personally I find that difficult to deal with too for my own reasons.
As for people in relationships. I'm in a long term relationship myself and against all odds have two children. How this has happened is a mystery to me given I too have struggled with forming relationships and have only ever been with this one person, nobody else, ever. A lot of this has come about through me being in "emulation mode" which is a term I'd used with people before knowing about being autistic and thus hearing about "masking" / "camouflaging". Having become particularly burned-out from the lockdown up to now, the relationship is in the process of ending and I'm faced with the prospect of all the change that comes with that too. I've not seen much in the way of people discussing this kind of thing in YouTube videos and how they've dealt with them. I can imagine the next few years is going to be particularly overwhelming.
For what it's worth, I've found more relevant and interesting things in written format, blog posts and obviously some of the written experiences of people using sites like this especially as you can see conversational input from other people asking particular questions in near real time rather than a single monologue to the camera.
Just my ten pence worth - as usual :)
Just downloaded some AutisticAt40 podcasts and she mentions her husband in the first one I listened to.
Seems like a good podcast though.
Amerantin (former member) said:So are these high profile authors and videographers representative of autistic people or am I the sad exception?
i think what happens is the autists who are married and/or have kids are probably in the following categories:
1 - their presentation of autism is not affecting their abilities to communicate with others at a relationship level and this also helps them with presenting well on video (ie a degree of charisma).
2 - their partners have helped them adapt and possibly mask well enough to be able to present on video
3 - Their autistic traits are in very different areas to yours and this enables them to communicate well on video while having a relationship but possibly suffering terribly in other areas.
It seems to be the nature of a spectrum condition that the third point is the most likely,
We must follow different influencers. I don't use YouTube much. The autism-focused accounts I follow on Instagram / Twitter are as far as I know childless and single. AutisticAt40 often talks about not having children because of being autistic, for example.