Autistic “influencers”

Hi Amerantin.  On meetup.com there are also other local groups but people from other parts of the country can join in. I go on Adults With Autism West Midlands and people from other areas can join the meetings. I have also been on international ones which have been good. Give you info if you want.  Take Care

I’d be unlikely to bump into them unless they physically came round to my house and introduced themselves 

We attract each other- the AUTdar!

I had my first serious relationship at 30, married at 35 and my first child was born when I was 36. There is certainly hope.

Me too.

I think your partner was blessed to find you.

I agree with all you said here. Especially this 

Luftmentsch said:

I think most of us suffer some kind of "social disability" in that way

It resonates with me.

I'm 26 soon I'll be 27. I've never dated, never even had a single friend. I fear I will be single forever and never have children. Your post has given me hope again. Thank you.

You are very welcome!

I hope this Aucademy group interests you, it is AUsome!

Thank you, I’ll have a look!

I am rather pessimistic with influencers. Why do they qualify? It's just standing on a soap box spouting off to any willing listener which for me their opinionations are a waste of time as they seemingly have an answer for everything --- if questioning from their audience is invited. I view genuine people who really have unbiased value in their viewpoint (that may be a contradiction of terms, the keyword is 'value') not as influencers.  To my mind influencers have a hidden agenda or ulterior motive. Someone who speaks with logical comprehensibility is a teacher, not an influencer.

Amerantin (former member) said:

I joined the Glasgow Autism group on Meetup.com but it has over 500 members and their meet-ups are limited to 12 people so it’s always full

That’s a shame. I know you are worried about intruding in this group but I hardly think so! Your fellow neurokin should be welcoming and accepting of new members, after all you are all autistic so everyone should be aware of feelings of isolation and initial anxiety!

Amerantin (former member) said:

Anyway I find the idea of walking through the door at one of these groups incredibly daunting.

I completely understand what you mean!

I am a member of the Aucademy autistic social group chat, there are lots of members but you can just observe the chat if that feels more comfortable for you.

Every 2 weeks a Zoom social group is held with only about 12 members and there is no pressure to participate at all!

Does this kind of group appeal to you?

There are more details below:

https://aucademy.co.uk/aucademy-autistic-only-closed-groups/

Agreed, there is a selection bias here. People who struggle greatly with communication are unlikely to be making videos on the internet. Those who (despite their autism) are charismatic, sociable and very good at masking are both more likely to be making videos and more likely to be in a relationship.

I have also noticed that most of the autistic influencers seem to be women, (although there are some male ones), They are also usually pretty women (which will lead to more views, and also means they are more likely to have a relationship).

I have noticed in general, for example on this forum, and the wider internet, that autistic women are much more likely to be in a relationship and have past relationships than autistic men.

I'm not exactly sure why this is, but it's probably a combination of greater masking or social ability and the fact it is greatly easier to find a partner as a woman than as a man, due to dating dynamics and the imbalance of demand.

As a woman, you are the one who is approached, and generally choose from a number of men which one to accept. Whereas it's expected for the man to make the approach, to lead in the relationship, to be entertaining, charming etc. and you have to pursue multiple women until you find one who doesn't reject you (which might never happen).

If a woman is not very good at talking, it often won't matter because the man is interested and will put all the effort in, or not even care how good she is socially. Whereas a man being bad socially is a big turn off or red flag for many women (seen as creepy etc).

For a man, dating can be a challenge even if you aren't autistic, but when you have autism and cannot read signals or subtext or body language or know how to make small talk or make conversation, it can be hopeless, which is why so many autistic men just don't ever have a relationship.

I totally get why you wrote it this way because there is a presentation that is more common to women where there is typically more social skills even if they are more academic and learnt than innate, but that doesn't mean that autistic men with relationships are not big on the internet, one of the autistic youtubers I follow is Orion Kelly and he actually did some interesting vids on having a neurodiverse relatuonship with his NT wife starting with this one https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bTJrSfYOZ04 . So I thought I'd just share it incase it's of interest to any of the guys here.

My only avenue to meet other humans was via work and that ended when the pandemic changed my job to remote working.

I think this is why all my problems became so much worse over the last three years - I finally gave up any pretence of hope.

I have a wife I am not worthy of  Why she puts up with me  is a mystery to me.  Years ago my first wife just walked away.There is still hope for you!

NO you are not!

I think a handsomely paid business at that.  What a fantastic monetized niche this spectrum provides for anyone willing to do this themed research. Who needs to be autistic???

I fit all 3:

Iain said:

1 - their presentation of autism is not affecting their abilities to communicate with others at a relationship level and this also helps them with presenting well on video (ie a degree of charisma).

2 - their partners have helped them adapt and possibly mask well enough to be able to present on video

3 - Their autistic traits are in very different areas to yours and this enables them to communicate well on video while having a relationship but possibly suffering terribly in other areas.

I am married and have a kid, my trade off for having more "gift of the gab" and more tone/facial/bodylangueage reading and being able to communcate well one to one all the time I'm not in a burnout, shutdown, meltdown or gone nonverbal seems to have been in the sensory department and executive function, my eyes don't like light at all (all screens are on dark mode, and I'd be nocturnal if I could), I hear every sound in the surrounding area, feel like physically collapsing into a ball at the sound of a hoover or car breaks squealing, I can't hear a single individual person in a crowd, and I have to wear eardefenders if anyone has sports on the TV because I hate the sound of the crowds in the stands. I physically cannot do a 5 day week because of how quickly I fatigue, and I have no routine if things I have to do aren't put on a calendar because aside from washing my hands and making a cup of tea when thirsty I have no autopilot.

Having the ability to communicate has been the absolute key to coordinating with the otherhalf ways to "help me to help you" to build up my functioning over time.

But I still couldn't be on camera, it's like a big strangers eye that I have to look into and I cannot look into the eyes of strangers longer than a few seconds for at least the first few meetings and that's only people I can build a sense of trust with to make eye contact easier, I could never build that sense of trust and feel safe with a souless camera.

I joined the Glasgow Autism group on Meetup.com but it has over 500 members and their meet-ups are limited to 12 people so it’s always full. I worry that if i somehow got a place at one it would turn out to always be the same people who go and I’d just be intruding in their social group.

My previous therapist also tried to get me to join Andy’s Man’s group but the way she positioned it was as a group where sad broken people can complain to each other. She was a terrible therapist. Anyway I find the idea of walking through the door at one of these groups incredibly daunting.

I’m so sorry about what you’re going through just now. I hope your relationship can be saved. Relationships are the most precious thing in life.

And your ten pence is made of gold :) 

Sorry you feel so lonely, I hope this community provides you with some much needed connection? Would you feel comfortable joining autistic social groups either online or in person?