Published on 12, July, 2020
I've been struggling for both for a while. My stress levels have been heightened for a while too so it's perhaps unsurprising that I'm so sensitive to pretty much anything.
My mum can't tell me to do anything now (I'm 26 and still living at home) without me feeling like I want to break something. I've had so much pressure put on me with regards to finding work that I want to run away from any discussion of it.
I fear someone lecturing me/screaming at me all the time. I've basically become so much more hypervigilant than I was.
I have been considering finding something like a rage room or anything I can do to release that frustration that continues to build up but I don't know what I can do.
I turn to watching comedy or something as a distraction but it's only a short term fix. The issues are still there, even if I calm down a bit.
Has anything worked for you?
When stress levels are heightened the level of trigger needed to tip into a meltdown is greatly reduced. You understand what your triggers are, so you can take action to avert that response.
Next time your mum tries to bring up the subject of finding work then why not follow your instinct and literally run away before those feelings have a chance to escalate. Go to wherever is a safe space for you.
Once calm you could try explaining to your mum how that is a trigger for you at the moment, although she may not be receptive. You need to protect yourself first and foremost. When it comes to meltdowns prevention is better than cure, as the saying goes.
Obviously the work issue cannot be shelved forever but it's something that needs to be led by you and at your own pace. If you have pda tendencies then external pressure is likely to have the opposite effect.
Exercise and stimming can help release some of that excess 'fight' energy from your 'fight or flight' response.
It seems I've been trying to have that conversation with my parents for 8 years. I've said time and time again that I am unwilling to work a job I really don't like, but they ignore me anyway. I worked for a while (it was freelance but it was still work) and the first thing they said after I completed a week was "now you need to find a permanent job" and that made me feel pretty crap. Like nothing I do was ever enough.
I might run away occasionally and then she'd guilt trip me and turn on the waterworks, complaining that her kids don't want to talk to her, but then she did say that something went wrong in my brain when I was born as recently as a year ago... she might have been angry for whatever reason but I tried bringing that up last week and she couldn't remember so insisted that I was lying.
I feel like I need some kind of outlet to release everything; I've got a lot on my shoulders that is basically staying there.
believe me or not, it's better to work on a crap job that to live like this. Get a job, any job, no matter how crappy. Your mental health will improve immensely. Put money away and leave the area. Hell, I had to move several thousand kilometres to find a good job, do you expect to find one in your own town?
I can understand it - because my own parents were very damaging to me too. Obviously every situation is different - every family unique. But I’ve had many years trying to recover from growing up in a very dysfunctional family. It’s more subtle than ‘good’ or ‘bad’ though - and if someone currently isn’t able/doesn’t feel ready to leave the family home at this point then the only positive action is to see if things can be improved in some way. It’s worth trying - especially if moving out isn’t possible right now. My own parents caused me a lot of emotional pain and distress which had a long lasting impact on me, and at times I went ‘no contact’ with them - just for my own sanity. But I wasn’t really happy with that either - and my parents were very good grandparents to my children - and my children enjoyed seeing them. So I came to a compromise where I could keep some contact - but in such a way that I largely protected myself from their toxic behaviours. Everyone has to make their own decisions and find their own way in a situation like this. But it’s always worth considering all options.
My parents were really, really toxic. When I left home I was not in the best of shapes, but I improved immensely as soon as I was away from their influence. I know that you cannot understand it, but not all parents are good people and some are just bad. You won't get any better if you are forced to interact every day with a bad person.
I see what you mean, but it’s not necessarily the case. And for some people (my son is in this position) he can’t at present deal with trying to get a job, let alone going and doing one. For some people it really is very difficult.