Published on 12, July, 2020
I tried telling my parents how much I hate change, but they couldn't comprehend how it affects me. I hate change so much I go above and beyond to ensure things don't change.
My transition from teen to adult me was hard, my voice has changed and so has my appearance which is normal, of course, but I still struggle with it. I've taken to not changing my hairstyle again now and I rarely use my voice because it sounds "wrong" to me. My voice didn't exist anymore.
Eating different foods is difficult. Normally I can't bring myself to do it, so I try to stick to the same things like Warburtons rolls with strawberry jam. I'm told it's not enough but I've eaten it my whole life and I'm not going to let that change.
Reading became hard because the books got wear and tear, this was unbearable for me and caused a meltdown, so now I've sold all my books and have a Kindle. I know I'll have to replace it one day but at least all my books will never get old and show the wear and tear.
Seeing my family grow older and change is the worst thing of all for me.
My mum doesn't look like my mum anymore, and my dad is the same. It's grim, everyone's changing and my brain can't process what it's seeing. I know it's normal, it's life, but I can't accept it and accept that this is change.
I've told my counsellor but she just agrees and says I need to try to accept it, she's not a lot of help really but she's the only counsellor available.
Change is natural to everybody but not me, I can't look past it.
Change is the hardest thing to do. We're told to accept change, but people don't change from within.
I too go to great lengths to avoid change! When my toaster bust after 15 years I scoured the internet & paid a fortune to get a new identical one as I knew how to get perfect results from it!
I can absolutely relate to a lot of your points, for example neighbours around me have cut down various huge impressive trees over the years (heathens), going back fifteen years in one case, it was painful to watch and be powerless to do anything, and still now every time I go outside - the scene looks 'wrong' and always will. It's unfathomable to me that anyone would want to cut a beautiful 50 foot tree down. It's distressing and to my knowledge there's not much that counsellors etc are going to do. I can't get past anything either. Part of autism is getting 'stuck' and having obsessions, so to an extent it's normal for us. However, some of the things you mention sound also possibly like they might be phobias?
I have a limited range of foods too but not as extreme as yourself. You did well though to adapt & switch your books to maintain your valuable library.
It is no good saying 'you just have to accept it', when you can't do that, all you get is an infuriating impasse. It leaves us with nowhere to go.
What happens if you do try to eat different food? Sorry to say - but what happens if that bread company go bust or axe the white rolls...? It might be possible to expand your food range a little but it would require time and effort.
NTs don't understand resistance to change, it makes no sense to them. You are right though - ageing is horrible and regrettably it will only get worse!
Kay said:Change is natural to everybody but not me, I can't look past it.
This will have a deep seated cause for you - most likely some childhood experience of loss (of something or someone you were close to) which heightened the pain of loss and made you fear a recurrance.
Pretty much everything in life will involve change to a degree so I would recommend trying to get some therapy time with a therapist who has experience with autism and attachment issues to work through this. They should have the tools and skills to help you develop a better relationship with change.
I'm not aware of any self help work you can do in a situation as extereme as yours through - sorry.
I can relate to that. I think very sudden changes are always difficult to deal with.
Even changes that might actually be good (or turn out to be), I'm resistant to, because it's just another thing to think about.
When I was 13, I began growing facial hair. I had a very visible goatee. I hated it; I hated being the only one in my year group with a beard as it drew more attention to me.
I am sorry that you find change difficult and feel that your parents are able to comprehend just how much it affects you.
Some of the examples you have listed are things that none of us has any control over, and I'm inclined to wonder if this is why you dislike change so much.