Published on 12, July, 2020
It doesn't matter if it's help with something personal or it's a little thing. I feel like I'm being difficult and the other person is inevitably going to blow up at me.
I know where it comes from. I know people generally don't like me and that I exhaust and irritate people just by existing. I also know that people don't always tell me if I've done something to hurt them or make them uncomfortable until it's too late.
Even at school, I would rarely ask for help. I know there were support systems there for me but I just didn't access them. I was too embarrassed.
I had friends who liked me and supported me, and I always downplayed things. Even though I know it would have been fine, I just couldn't be open with them about the support I needed.
Before anyone asks, I know I wouldn't react that way if someone else came to me. If I can help I would, if I can't I'd say so. The last few months have perhaps intensified the extent to which I give myself a hard time.
I completely relate to this. I'll often go through a lot of unnecessary hardship because I'm incapable of asking others for help. At school, teachers used to say, asking for help is the easiest thing in the world just raise your hand.... I remember thinking to myself, if only it were that easy...
I hated it because I'd be the centre of attention. Sometimes the teacher would completely ignore me (as they clearly can see my hands up).
Now I'm like, is it acceptable? I feel like I've grown up just accepting the fact I should bottle it up.