Published on 12, July, 2020
It doesn't matter if it's help with something personal or it's a little thing. I feel like I'm being difficult and the other person is inevitably going to blow up at me.
I know where it comes from. I know people generally don't like me and that I exhaust and irritate people just by existing. I also know that people don't always tell me if I've done something to hurt them or make them uncomfortable until it's too late.
Even at school, I would rarely ask for help. I know there were support systems there for me but I just didn't access them. I was too embarrassed.
I had friends who liked me and supported me, and I always downplayed things. Even though I know it would have been fine, I just couldn't be open with them about the support I needed.
Before anyone asks, I know I wouldn't react that way if someone else came to me. If I can help I would, if I can't I'd say so. The last few months have perhaps intensified the extent to which I give myself a hard time.
I hate asking for help. I got laughed at so much as a kid for not being able to do things that 'everyone' found easy that I feel really embarrassed at the mere thought of admitting I can't do/don't know something.
I'm fine with asking someone to do something for me because it's more convenient, like asking my partner to pick something up at the shop on his way home from work to save myself a trip. It's only a problem if I need to ask because I wouldn't be able to do it myself at all.
I very rarely go shopping on my own. It's almost always with someone. It's easier that way especially as there's no inherent need to go on my own.
Not many things make me feel as uncomfortable as asking. Even with a friend I was extremely close with I just couldn't do it, no matter how small the favour was. I probably could only do it if there was literally no other option.