Published on 12, July, 2020
It doesn't matter if it's help with something personal or it's a little thing. I feel like I'm being difficult and the other person is inevitably going to blow up at me.
I know where it comes from. I know people generally don't like me and that I exhaust and irritate people just by existing. I also know that people don't always tell me if I've done something to hurt them or make them uncomfortable until it's too late.
Even at school, I would rarely ask for help. I know there were support systems there for me but I just didn't access them. I was too embarrassed.
I had friends who liked me and supported me, and I always downplayed things. Even though I know it would have been fine, I just couldn't be open with them about the support I needed.
Before anyone asks, I know I wouldn't react that way if someone else came to me. If I can help I would, if I can't I'd say so. The last few months have perhaps intensified the extent to which I give myself a hard time.
HMO said:I feel like I'm being difficult and the other person is inevitably going to blow up at me.
This makes me think that someone has blown up at you before - was this the case? It may be an avoidance tactic you now use from that trauma.
For me it is the unknown of what reciprocation will be expected for the favour I'm asking for - that old autistic lack of social awareness around the rules. I remember a few bad experiences as a teen / early adult that made me resist asking for anything unless absolutely necessary.
Yes. Either they've blown up or just gotten frustrated at me for asking a supposedly easy question. It pricks up every time I even consider asking someone for help, even if it doesn't actually result in them blowing at me.
There's many times at work where, even when they would actively encourage me to ask if I'm struggling with something, I just didn't. I put myself through a difficult task completely on my own and it took someone to see me struggling to pitch in. I was too embarrassed to say anything and I didn't want to feel like I was the one who 'rocked the boat'.