Published on 12, July, 2020
The years I’ve been accused of a lot of things a lot of different times. Mostly in relation to things driven by aspects of my autism that people took objection to. Looking back and reflecting I started to notice that the way I’ve dealt with these situations has changed over the years.
My first reaction to an accusation used to be to give some one what I call a bruised toe apology. as if you were apologising to someone who’s toes you’d had just stepped on. It’s not really intended as an admission of culpability. You didn’t mean for it to happen and you couldn’t possibly have foreseen it happening and wasn’t as if you were unusually careless. It’s more an expression of regret your actions inadvertently caused somebody else pain.
But I have discovered that as the years have gone on and I’ve been attacked more and more and accused more and more I’ve stopped giving these apologies. Too often they are interpreted as some sort of admission of guilt and people will turn around and say well he admits it therefore we’ve every reason to punish him and blame him and censure him and kick him out.
There are some people who just don’t want to be reasonable and who will never be satisfied with an apology or an explanation. They’re too many people out there who will judge you guilty as soon as the accusation is made and will admit no latitude for any consideration on your behalf.
It’s been my experience that if you make an apology these individuals will jump on it and use it as grounds to try and convince everybody else that you are guilty as charged; must be excommunicated as soon as possible. Conversely if you make no apology they will accuse you of being completely uncontright, incorrigible and therefore completely unworthy of any consideration. You can’t win with these people, but if instead of apologising you start by attacking the substance of the accusations as soon as possible and as directly as possible you at least have a chance to stop them shutting down the debate before it starts.
If your defence is that your autism occasionally causes you to come off as a bit of an arsehole adopting an argumentative approach that makes you seem needlessly belligerent is not actually that harmful to your case. Afterwards after you’ve made all your arguments, inserted all the caveats, then you can make your apology. just make sure that no one could mistake it for an admission of culpability.
The important thing is to get your foot in the door in the argument so those open to the possibility of autism as an excuse can actually get to hear your side of the story
So I’m really curious to hear how you deal with being accused? Have you noticed the way you handle it has changed over time?
It’s in the way I understand it. It must be frustrating wanting to be a professional athlete and training hard and then seeing someone come along and lap you easily without doing any training at all and then to say they’ve no interest in joining the team or competing.
some people treat looking attractive like a sport.
Not from me! I use an electric shaver Trouble is a fang gets in the way of my bottom lip
You'll find more of it here than other places. I'm fortunate that my female friends are not typical girls by any means although I'm probably at the top of the pile of "atypical".
Edit: first sentence refers to "honesty".
A face like bigfoot ?Damn, Gillette must be making one heck of a profit !
More judgment by appearances.. it's crazy.
Fellow Neanderthal at 6' and 17 stone with a face like bigfoot, I am often viewed as threatening. I'm really a big pussycat ---no that's not what I identify as! I recently walked into a local mental wellbeing shop front to have a chat. I was invited into a private room, After our chat this young lady curiously said " If you are not a threat to me you are always welcome here"--- Huh????
Women can be the worst- they just randomly hate me. It doesn't seem to matter that they know nothing about me!
I'm so pleased to find that it's ok to be honest about this here..
Number said:From what I can gather, people with bodies and faces that other people find very "beautiful" are cursed with precisely what you describe above as your experience.
And as you say, it's impossible to tell anyone that you hate it, because of the negative response. It's like talent and intelligence to an extent- they're meant to be 'gifts' - so you're supposed to be thankful and humble that you have them, especially as a woman.
My 'beauty' has never been good, I've been abused for it in every way since I was a child. Often that was reckoned my own fault. Certainly not a blessing. And nobody sees you either, not the real you...
Appearances don't interest me, only what's real, true and honest.
Thank you for taking the time to reply to me Number, I appreciate it
You don't need to solve it. Stick to your guns girl.
I can't tell you the amount of times its been suggested by other women I should dress differently.
It is defo ok to share here. I know (very well) a very symmetrical woman who also has the "westernised body perfection." She HATES being that way.....but if she mentions that to anyone NT....it often makes them angry and hateful towards her - normally in a very passive aggressive fashion. Moreover, she deliberately tries to "dress down" in a grungy fashion........and that makes people hate her even more for "not making the most of it" ?!
From what I can gather, people with bodies and faces that other people find very "beautiful" are cursed with precisely what you describe above as your experience.
I have the opposite effect on people......I'm not a minger (forgive my boomer language if that is no longer acceptable language - I can't keep up)......but I do apparently look like a neantherall brute. Generally, that suits me nicely.....but when I do want to engage with people intellectually....they seem unable to align the fact that scary looking people can also have gentle brains.
I suppose it;s hardly surprising..........EVERYTHING these days seems to be all about aesthetics.....and newness.....and presentation.
Personally, I'm all about substance........and from what I can see of our fellows here......I'm not alone.
I tend to try to placate people, I'm not sure really what else to do. I'm not good with people, generally speaking, I have no interest in superficial interactions, which seems to be what people enjoy. I don't get them and they don't get me.
I am doubly damned by looking nice, people like that. All I ever heard when I was a child was 'Isn't she pretty!' from adults around me, as if I wasn't actually present myself. And now I'm beautiful, apparently. Whatever that means. I couldn't care less, it's not in my value system and means nothing to me. Appearances have never been a factor for me and I just don't get why it even matters.
Unfortunately, it does matter to almost everyone else. They make all sorts of assumptions about me - I'm kind, generous, fun, etc.- and then, when it turns out that I don't fit their expectations they despise me. It's almost like I've betrayed them in some way, by not actually being what they imagine.
And by doing that, inadvertently, I then become dishonest and wrong to them, like I'm pretending to be someone I'm not. Usually that's when the persecution starts and I am blamed for everything, even though it's rarely my doing.
I'm not really trying to elicit sympathy by saying this, but maybe it's ok to share here...
I don't know how to solve it, there doesn't seem to be an answer
Interesting one Peter.
I haven't really invested thought or effort into how I deal with being "accused." I have invested A VERY GREAT DEAL of effort into positioning myself so that I am not "accused." This does slow me down a little, but also avoids the agg. I don't enjoy agg.
In my earlier years, my mitigations were short and sweet ie "so if you are sure....." and "well, if you think you can cope with it....."
These days, my mitigations involve being VERY VERY precise about the parameters within which I am expected (and wanted to) behave. Naturally, I still make my own assessments of what I can and cannot "safely" do or say within a given set of circumstances, but I am also fastidious in ensuring that whomever is my potential accusser, has given express clarity about where they wish the bounds of our interactions to be. People find this odd. I can readily cope with people finding me odd - so all is well !
Naturally, there are circumstances where I might become embroiled in accusations or aggravations that I (nor anyone else) could avoid. Generally, I seem able to defuse these in the moment.....but if I cannot.....my physical presence + my "Number in psycho / chaos mode" mask (which I seem to be able to wear VERY convincingly) seems to grant me a get-out-of-jail-free card. People tend to wish to leave me when I wish them to leave me......if I consider that the best and safest option.
A very peace loving,
Number.
Typical ASD.
More Dopamine help than Serotonin help.
Does that help?
I gave it about 2 days before I made an apology statement and even then it was like "no that's not good enough" and "you're only sorry cos you got caught". I haven't said anything publicly since (4 months on) because I've effectively been shut out from society.
I think a lot of those people wouldn't have been happy until I was dead in the ground. At least in their eyes it means I'm unlikely to hurt anyone again.
I was never someone able to stand up for myself, so I was always going to succumb to it all. It's little wonder for the past few months I've been like "oh I am a monster, I am a piece of s**t, I am a waste of space" because I think that's what people want me to think.
It is hurtful to be called all sorts of things when I never went out of my way to cause any of that, but no one wanted to hear it. Only now do I even feel comfortable talking about the specifics with my therapist cos I just didn't have the words then, but even if I explained myself it would never have been enough.
That said, maybe there was no choice on their part. When 99% of people are sticking the knife in, the one person who is vaguely defensive ("you screwed up but you know now, and you're trying to make amends") will get abused and piled on, and I don't want that for them either.
I don't react well to criticism. Usually, I lash out.
Actually I think leaving addressing the issue too long can sometimes be a big mistake. Again those who just want an excuse to vilify you and drive your exclusion Are not going to wait to address the issue.
i’m just saying it’s better not to lead with an apology lead with a justification if you have one because the people who are going to cheerlead for your downfall are not going to be placated by an apology.
especially if your excuse is autism. That autism made you misjudge the situation, or caused others to misjudge you, don’t hide that fact away in the details of your statement, lead with it, hammer at home, don’t act like you’re ashamed of it or you’re sorry to be offering an excuse.
Sure here is a starter suppose hypothetically you’re a bit drunk and the police are taking you home. And you turn around and say you think one police woman looks like a lesbian. And they accuse you of committing a hate crime.
or say hypothetically you’re at a student club and you tell a joke that someone complains about because they say they find it very offensive. but as far as you’re concerned you didn’t expect it to offend anyone you’ve heard the complaining party tell very similar jokes some times and arguably worse ones.
but they tell you that your jokes are somehow different, less acceptable, than the other jokes; they must be because nobody complained about the other jokes.
What they won’t say is really there’s no difference between your jokes and other peoples jokes; you’re just less likable than other people, because you give of creepy vibes.
you see what I’m talking about people who are accused of things that are basically byproducts of them being autistic.
basically the terrible crime of talking while autistic.
I am finding it hard to understand.
Accused of what?
Are you able to provide an example or two?