Published on 12, July, 2020
One year ago, I thought that "self improvement" was going to be a natural by-product of finally knowing how and why I "see" and "do" and "think" differently to most other people. Autism.
The relief of finding the explanation for my crafted life and inner thoughts - was overwhelmingly wonderful - especially in the early weeks. It still makes me smile to think of that feeling now.
I thought that, knowing the reason WHY I can be so dysfunctional, suboptimal and darn right frigging useless......would allow me to "hack myself" to improvement.
I thought that, knowing the reason WHY I can be unusually competent and impressive in some respects ... would allow me to "hack myself" to the zenith of my capabilities.
I rationalise and utilise knowledge and information every day to good effect.......so I presumed my self-knowledge would be profoundly powerful....allow me to 'get' or 'engineer' the right help.
I couple of important aspects of my life are much better now......but the majority of my nonsense.....remains nonsense.
I consider myself a lucky survivor, who has earned a magic key of understanding…I'm worried that I'm not using that key to best effect at the moment.
Often on these pages, people say "don't be too hard on yourself, give yourself time, relax, its not your fault etc"........but should we all also be saying, just as often, "keep striving to be better, improve yourself and the lives of those around you, keep challenging yourself etc" ?
I'm feeling some frustration - with myself - I want the next 12 months of my journey to be AT LEAST as constructive as the 12 months since that blinding flash of realisation.
Thoughts anyone?
I know what it's like to feel frustrated with yourself. When you are used to problem solving, it becomes about solving yourself. 12 months is no time at all and you can't have everything come all at once and you cant put a time limit on things. It comes when it's ready. Autistic people have perfectionist tendencies whether we like to admit it or not and high expectations of ouselves which is good but sometimes we cant meet them. "Calm and steady.....don't be too critical of yourself".
I can't see any grey area in your post. If youre anything like me, difficulty regulating emotions + getting stuck in the mind = all or nothing. If you are having some difficult days this might be manifesting in the frustration. "I think our lives and emotions and capabilities are cyclical . . . Just allow your wheel to spin under it's own momentum for a while."
I struggle a lot with the "practical" side of autism as alluded to in other posts. It's incredibly frustrating and one that I have never had any help with nor have any answers to. It's a battle with ourselves but we are ALWAYS trying our best with it.
These are all assumptions from me...and we know what can happen when you assume. Also, I often royally miss the point. I wanted to respond as you have helped me and many others with your kind words. So some of your life might be self-defined nonsense but there's the other side that isn't.
My thoughts are: you are being the best version of yourself that you can be right now at any given time.