Did I become subconsciously self-destructive?

Context is here: https://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/32158/i-m-in-an-incredibly-isolating-situation

I've spoken about it quite a bit since then, but an angle I had never really explored until recently was whether I wanted all of that to happen.

I wasn't making friends for most of my life, I didn't find a community I belonged in. Things were looking up in my early 20s when I met a few people through work, and particularly about 2 years ago when I joined the autistic community on Twitter. Directly and indirectly, I began forming connections from there.

However, I still felt lonely. It's not their fault. Yes, most of them were quite far away from me geographically but even when one of them wasn't, there was still that. I had my own issues with self worth and self esteem and would constantly seek validation. I would always worry that if I didn't hear from someone for a month or so, they've decided they don't want me anymore (which was true in some cases - had no issue with that person telling me that but I became more sceptical).

The problem was that even when I had these connections that had been developed on a deeper level, I still made a mess of it. In a way I was like "now what?". I found myself still speaking to a lot of acquaintances and often giving them the same energy, which is therefore being spread rather thinly. In a way it became a case of me 'cheating' on my friends - I didn't come to them to discuss my needs and things and ended up going elsewhere for some kind of gratification/satisfaction. I knew it was wrong but I didn't have the maturity or the self control to get out of it.

I regret taking them for granted, for not allowing myself to be vulnerable in front of them. I think it's because I spent so long spilling my guts (basically) about my past and things to people I wasn't connected to (work colleagues) and understandably not getting support in return, I wasn't sure if it was appropriate or not. I do have the tendency to put my foot in it.

I guess I wanted it all to go wrong because I always felt that I didn't deserve friends, and almost as though I wanted to go "see? I was right". Everything I feared would happen did happen (that I'd lose everything) and in a way I was validated. Unfortunately I wasn't prepared for how utterly horrendous it would feel on the other side.

Sometimes I would deliberately message someone constantly (if they hadn't responded in a while) and I was hoping they'd basically snap and tell me to *** off, because not knowing is actually more hurtful than that.

It's the same with all my negative self-talk. I always told myself "I'm a waste of space, I'm never going to make something of my life, I'm a failure" and maybe all of that became a self fulfilling prophecy. It's like it felt right to ruin everything cos I ruined everything else in my life. That was validated by what happened, plus the hundreds of strangers online calling me every name under the sun.

I don't know if I'm reaching here but that's what I began to think.