Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm currently waiting for an assessment. I'm trying to keep a diary of my feelings, emotions and reactions to situations I find difficult or when people have to help me through situations. Today I was trying to read some instructions, this is a task I find highly stressful. I struggle to take in the information so when I've read a sentence and moved on I have forgotten what I read previously. I get more angry at myself, then I start fidgeting, pacing around then I start shouting and swearing at the instructions, I get more upset and start crying. Them I'm in such a state I don't know what to do I'm angry and crying. Eventually, when I can no longer cope, I call my mum who knows exactly what I need, after all she has had to do this most of my life. A calm voice, talking quietly, reassuring me it's not a big issue and then talks to me about how we can resolve the problem. Is this a meltdown?
I couldn't say for sure but it sounds like how I feel when I'm near crowds, stuck in traffic, or driving behind people who drive ridiculously slowly and stop unnecessarily at roundabouts. Obviously I can't pace around in the car but I do get adjugated and start cursing a lot, which my ex partner couldn't cope with. If she'd done what your mum does and spoken to me in quiet, calming tones I'm sure it would have helped, but instead she chose to shout her protest which invariably made things worse. To be fair to her she didn't know at the time that I had ASD and thought I was just being an ass. I have now bought myself one of those fidget cubes which I keep in one of the cup holders by the gearstick. Whenever I see a situation arising I grab it, press buttons, spin wheels etc. on it, and try to talk to myself in a calm voice so that I don't have what I would consider as a meltdown. They are just so exhausting. On a really bad journey home I've been known to just lay down and sleep on the sofa to recover. As a coping mechanism it seems to be working pretty well so far.
I'm really bad for road rage too! And I really relate to having to sleep on the sofa after a meltdown. They are really exhausting and especially as a working adult they really take away ability to function from the rest of the day.