Child access

Hi I’m new here and was looking for some advice really.. 

I broke up with my sons dad in February of this year due to DV, he has severe anger issues, bipolar disorder untreated and he’s quite unstable in life.

my son is turning 4 and he’s non verbal, ASD, sensory processing and has a chronological age of 12-18months. He’s in specialist schooling and has lots of sensory issues. 

I’ve been the sold carer to meet his needs throughout the last 4 years, his father hasn’t really been interested or involved. He’s spent a significant amount of time ignoring his additional needs and refusing to talk about it or adjust his parenting stance to account for his additional needs. 

I’ve been allowing access because his nan has a better grasp of the situation although there’s been a lot of conflict as they refuse to stick to a routine, refuse meet his dietary needs, they frequently change his nappy’s brand which result in nappy rash, regularly giving him bottles of milk instead of encouraging him with nutritional foods and the food they do off him is junk food, McDonald’s, pot noodles and crisps. I have challenged them many times and usually I receive abuse from his dad. 

my sons dad is prone to outbursts of aggression and anger, he screams shouts and breaks things. In front of our son, when told about his behaviour he doesn’t care. They think that because he’s non verbal and in his own world it doesn’t matter. I’ve been allowing contact because they do love each other but I sat down with the nan 6 weeks ago and advised I was thinking contact isn’t in the best interest of our son. She promised me she would supervise and that she would be around to remove my son from any dangerous situations. 

i learnt this week that the nan hasn’t been around for the last 3 weeks as I was lead to believe and there is now a new partner on the scene I don’t know and he is taking our son around her and her children which has set my anxiety spiralling. I don’t believe he can meet his needs himself, he doesn’t put him first and he regularly puts him at risk. The woman is a complete stranger and that’s not something I’m comfortable with or I believe should be happening at this time. 

I’ve been looking into child contact centres and things like that but I’m just at a total loss. I feel like I should cut contact completely as the whole situation is unstable. I don’t feel he’s ever has or ever will put him first and he refuses to get the help and advice he needs for his own mental health issues. He regularly puts him at risk (he drove 2.5 hours to the beach and back again with him in the front seat not strapped in properly and no child safety lock on the door is one example) regularly ignores his disability (drives around with his music blasting while my son is in the car). Anytime I say that’s not safe, please don’t do that etc I’m met with loads of screaming and abuse and I don’t feel like anything will change. This has been building for sometime but I’ve been scared of what to do and the consequences myself as he has been physical with me. 

I did have some faith the nan would be there to balance the situation as I’m not around to make sure he’s okay. But now I’ve learnt she’s not (she’s deliberately avoided talking to me for weeks as she felt guilty for allowing this when she knew I wouldn’t be happy with it). I’m not sure on the courts stance with contact with child with high needs, I’ve read a lot and it says I should try and facilitate a relationship to the best of my ability if possible but I don’t see how I can do that anymore when I’ve tried every single thing.