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Coping with 3 kids when 2 of them are autistic

Haven

Hello

this is my first ever post. I hope someone can help. My 8 year old son was diagnosed with autism at 4yrs old, when our second child was 2yrs old. Then we had a third child who is now nearly 4. She has been displaying some pretty clean signs of autism, and to be honest because we hoped she was just copying her brother so we didn't approach anyone about it until this August. Our GP was very kind and could see our concerns straight away  and referred us to paediattrician and to child mental health services. We are STILL waiting for those appointments. But life with our diagnosed autistic son and probably autistic daughter is getting worse as her issues are building and his are getting worse. Life is becoming extreme and while dealing with both of their meltdowns and anger, I also have to think of our totally neurotypical middle child and her needs. The school our son attends have a special provision for children on the spectrum where he is cared for and his teachers have been fantastic helping with advice for both our son and daughter but what they can't tell me is what it's like to cope as a parent with TWO children on the spectrum. They both set each other off a lot and I feel like I am juggling one meltdown and then another continuously. Are there any parents out there who understand? Sorry for such a long post. Thanks all X

  • Hi. this is my first post on here today too. I this week have just received my second child diagnosis of an ASD. I have four children. Two of whom have autism. I have a 2 1/2 year old boy and a 7 year old girl. My two older children are from a previous relationship and are 13 and 11. 

    Life with 2 kids on the spectrum is very hard. And coping with two other children is Time baring. They all need your attention, time, care and love. And it is impossible to divide yourself in 24 hours of a day to give them all of this. 

    Of course my 2 year old takes up more time, as he is non-verbal, has no communication and has a sensory processing disorder too, and our 7 year old is very hard and has very challenging behaviours. Where as my other two children do miss out now but luckily have  a very good child memory of everything we did with them before my other two children came along. 

    my 11 year old son really struggles. As he gets the brunt of every meltdown from his sister and he can't handle it. He also can't handle the fact that his younger brother cannot speak either. We have to separate him from her and send him away. He always feels like he's the one in trouble but we always explain that we do this for his sake as she doesn't understand and will most likely always continue to do this with him until she can understand. 

    But in other ways he does benefit from this. We have a family caravan that we go to at weekends and holidays. And this was the best thing we ever did. 

    he has lots of friends there and he can go out and enjoy all of the activities going on. Where as my daughter also benefits as it keeps her happy and active which helps with her stimulation as she's swims all day and can ride her bike around camp. Where as at home, she is locked in the house as she will run away and has been run over in the past and doesn't display any danger or fear when nears roads or cars. 

    But what I'm trying to get to is the help you can give to the other child(ren).

    We make there favourite tea, we take them out separately, it is impossible to go out as a whole family. Holidays abroad are a no no. Ben there tried it and it didn't work hence the reason for the caravan as it's the same all the time, same people, same places and the same surroundings so there comfortable every time we go.

    As long as you keep your other children involved and always explain it to them they will help and support you through all those hard times and bad times but will always be there to laugh and smile with you when you hit that hurdle and will pick you up when youve fallen down. 

    Life every day has been hard for years now and I can actually say that I wouldn't change it for the world. we have been offered restbite for her but I would feel even more guilty for sending her. We do get a break. She sleeps at her nanna's once a week and our house is bliss! But we recharge our batteries when she's away and prepare ourselves for the next 6 days haha. 

    the only other thing I can say is you do need to keep your sense of humour and your smile upon your face (and I no that's easier said than done) but always remember that our children didn't ask for this and we would take it away from them if we could but we can't. 

    So help and support is all they need and a nice little kiss and cuddle if they let you near them!!!

  • I have both sons on autistic spectrum and I can tototally understand the juggling but do not have a third child who is not on the spectrum so I can apprecaite even harder for you.It is good that the school are understanding but yes of course until you are in the situation it is only when you are living the life that you can fully understand.

    It is worth checking with the hospital to see that things are going through as have had esveral times a panel saying they will not refer my son (second) and GP not told or parents! Then you can challenge the descion with the GP's backing..

    Some days my sons when smaller would refuse to go to school and I would have them both kickingn off and crying and hiding under duvets.The school (it had a unit for autism) was very supportive and would come and take them to school.When staff came they were authority and ny sons would listen to them and go off fine.Often I woudl find it was like a pop up toy (life) and one would be settled and the other child having issues and I would just calm them and the other child would have issues.Not easy! As one Friend who has two autistic children said to me that with two children on the autistic spectrum you need a sense of humour and a filing cabinet!  Very true!The paperwork was so much and over the years well I could build a mountain with it!! As for humour it has just kept me goign but sometimes yep it wears thin.

    I found things like having a radar key helped for the toilets when out so all that helped.

    Also parents support groups locally (our national autistic society local group is excellent) and I met other parents with two children on the autistic spectum and even some having more than two.That way you do not feel so isolated

    I take it you are getting carers allowance and disability living allowance? That helps towrds the worry of finances.My sons when small would often break things and also I used the money for private speech therapy etc.

    The stress also on the family,your marriage etc and extended family can be extreme and you find you are pullingn yourself in all directions and so important to try to get some time for yourself which is often very hard.I found my health was and still can be affected.

    The local carers association is also a good idea to join.

    Maybe look at some respite like Mencap playschemes which many of my Friends including me used and that would give me time with my other child.

    I do really feel for you as I do so know the pressures of havign two 9now grown up) sons on the autistic spectrum who I love very much but as you say also having another child who does nto have ASD brings in diffrent issues ot the mix I can well appreciate when they want friends round etc.

    Hugs