Published on 12, July, 2020
My life was completely garbage until 25. I was naturally reserved as directly stated by my preschool. They asked my parents if they beat me at home. They didn't, but these parents of mine never considered I could be anything but normal. Which to someone like us is a completely absurd, enormous setback. I would really like to know how autistic people survived 200 years ago.
Sensory overload, failure to launch socially, fainting in crowds, unable to contribute in groups, inconsiderate & clueless parents, and so on 100% ensured my life would be almost as bad as it possibly gets. I'm sure you can imagine and some of you probably don't even have to since you lived the experience yourselves.
Somehow managed to became an engineer. Somehow managed to steel my nerves and control myself enough to pass 1 interview. For a position 2 levels below entry level engineering position. Whatever, a job is a job.
Of course the job was one where I had to work with and around 20 people. No peers. The job itself wasn't too challenging as I eventually got promoted to work an engineer, but the social aspect was driving me directly to exiting this life.
Driven up the wall I felt forced to start taking an interest in all things related to money. Budgeting, investing, markets, economy, and ways to not have to work. And then I started taking huge risks with my money.
Long story short I got stupidly lucky. Now I don't have to work. There is money to spare, and a ton of time to do anything.
The problem is that I don't like much of anything. I feel chewed up by life and spat out. At 31 I would like to stay as far away from people as possible. I dislike travel because it seems impossible to handle sitting around 150 people and crying babies. I dislike trying new things and breaking my routines. There is nowhere I would like to go and nothing I would like to see.
I've forced myself to do all the things I dislike. My life didn't improve and I did not start enjoying them. They're nothing but a source of constant anxiety and stress.
I don't know what to think about the way my life unfolded. I've tried confiding my only "friend" (he did a lot of harm and a lot of good in the past. I don't know what to think of him). He was somewhat supportive, but very ableist about where to go from here. He recommended practicing my social skills in bars among other bright ideas -_- Not sure he understands what autism is even after I described it to him.
What do I do from here? I went back to my childhood's special interest and I managed to take it really far. Then I burned out. I've exhausted a lot of solo entertainment and hobby options. I'm starting to feel like life has nothing further to offer.
Maybe some of you could share your experiences and point me in a direction? I am reaching out to psychologists as well and narrowed it down to 1. We're scheduling it, but I of course have to endure ridiculous amounts of anxiety stemming from it. Again. I thought I would never put myself in a position that would cause this much anxiety again, but here I am. ***. Autism is really lovely.
exile? said:Maybe some of you could share your experiences and point me in a direction?
You find yourself in a position of comfort and security now but what you are lacking is meaning.
Consider what you can do with your life that will do good for others rather than just for yourself.
Maybe contribute to a charity or do charitable acts yourself.
I chose to set up a business that buys old flats that are in a terrible state and renovates them to provide a mix of income and providing affordable housing. It keeps the bills paid so my capital is secure and it gives back to the community.
Can you think of anthing that would work for you and bring a sense of purpose?
I've thought of donating to pet shelters and orphanages and done so in smaller amounts. Not quite feeling secure enough to do this on the scale I've envisioned quiet yet, but I think I'll be able to in the next couple years.
What you do is really admirable. I would almost like to do something along those lines, but the social aspect has to be overflowing in such undertakings, right? That's what stops me from considering starting/buying any sort of a business or doing anything similar.
exile? said:I would almost like to do something along those lines, but the social aspect has to be overflowing in such undertakings, right?
You need a trusted second-in-command to do the social interactions if these are too much for you.Then you agree with them what level of involvement you want so you do what is comfortable for you.
The business model would need to be profitable enough to take their salary into consideration here.
I'm lucky enough to be able to get by socially although I'm doing it in a languare I'm not particularly good with yet (I live in Brazil at the mo) but the interactions are based round a detailed project plan with timeline and budget so it is mostly keeping it on track.
I would also consider finding a business-mentor to keep your feet on the ground, if your thinking of being entrepreneurial, it’s not easy to hold yourself to account when there no one above you..