Published on 12, July, 2020
Im off for the summer now and really struggling in that I've been in a complete state of inertia for nearly a week. What's also in the mix is a chronic fatigue-like health scenario. Sometimes the boundaries are blurred but if I were to put my finger on it, I'd say this is more AS related because I've been here time and again. I can't get going with anything for love nor money. I've got plenty of things to be doing but can't start and don't know how to. I need a project to get my teeth into (of which is covered on the "things to be doing") but in my head I know it won't get finished if I start. I'm resorting to engaging with an interest but I've reached peak saturation on that. I'm flim flamming around and haven't got the attention to stick to anything (which I don't know if this is CFS related but I've experienced this before although it seems to be worse now). I don't know if I'm in some sort of emotional burnout because I haven't experienced this stuckness for quite a while. What also adds is a sense that - I can't tell what my expectations of myself should be. When the fatigue is really thick, I know how to pace, but when I'm in this middle ground I don't know what to do but I see this more as autistic inertia. It's also the fact that I see others are able to structure their time off but I can't and I don't know if I'm putting pressure on myself to be a certain way. I've asked for help with one thing and with other things could do with a bit of "shadowing" to motivate me but the obvious person to ask is busy working more than me and has their own stuff to do.
I go into these too. I call them "fallow" periods. I honor them. Some may disagree but, for me they are delicious.
Relax into them - and they pass more quickly. They are like vacations.
It is, for me, a result of overload on a project, or external pressure.
If you live near the ocean abiding with waves might be helpful. It does for me.
In a "fallow" I don't want to talk with anyone or have to be productive for show.
Most activity these days feels performance based, appearing "productive", showing something for some effort, something to "show "for myself, to be "seen" to have done something.
The fallow periods pass when I have truly let go of what others expect of me.
I find myself getting up, then, with an itch to create, getting that inner joy of creating and just getting on with it; up and at 'em in a click.
My longest "fallow" lasted a 10 or so days.
I hope this helps.
It's interesting to see your response as I feel somewhat different. It isn't expectation from others but expectation from myself.
Out of interest - how do you "relax into it"?
This one has come after a period of rest. Vacation periods are restful and restorative. It isn't restful and I am not enjoying it. I need a level stimulation now but i haven't been able to engage in any thing with meaning. Thought meeting friends would give me the needed boost but it didn't. I WANT to be productive. Not in the sense of having anything in particular to show for it but just not feeling vacant in the head for another day running. Grinding against my own gears.
Today is a new day so will see what develops.
Ah. hmm. interesting.
Another autistic friend gave me some advise once when I was post-op and feeling this way you describe. --She has had a lot of operations. She said just pretend to be interested in something and soon you will be immersed in it. It did work. I was really surprised and happy to have this new tool.
What ever it takes. I do this too sometimes when overwhelmed by too much going on at once. giving a running commentary like a sportscaster. talking myself through each thing one at a time like a life coach. Adding little flourishes with a spin and hand clapping (my thing). Removing one self from the situation like that makes me more present within it, makes it enjoyable. Talking to "naughty" dirty socks, making funny cooking noises. Sometimes it takes a distraction.