Life

I find life complicated. I also find it interesting and mysterious. I find it difficult and overwhelmingly annoying. I often lay awake at night thinking about purpose - what my purpose is. My purpose as a woman of this world. Is it to have kids? Get married? Work? Learn to drive? If so then all of that is gone, no chance anymore because I am wrecked mentally and physically exhausted from the trauma of the things I've been through.

So really my purpose is to exist but not really live. I feel like a computer that's on but not exactly doing anything. Every day I do the same things and nothing ever changes. I'm here but I'm not here, that's how it feels. I don't have anything to do with my siblings now but last I heard they were all married, working and had children. It kind of feels like I've been forgotten about and life is passing me by quickly. Everyone is living, growing and changing but I'm stuck on the outside looking in.

Strange though because I'm not depressed. I'm anxious as always but I am happy.

I often think back to when I was little and how I was so hopeful and full of dreams for my future and then this happened and looking back I can't really see how. Just one of those things I guess.

Every time I think of changing things and turning my life back round the exhaustion amplifies and I'm in bed for the next week or two.

Just my thoughts tonight. Thought I'd write them out and that has helped clear my head. Maybe now I can get some sleep.

Night all.