Published on 12, July, 2020
I find life complicated. I also find it interesting and mysterious. I find it difficult and overwhelmingly annoying. I often lay awake at night thinking about purpose - what my purpose is. My purpose as a woman of this world. Is it to have kids? Get married? Work? Learn to drive? If so then all of that is gone, no chance anymore because I am wrecked mentally and physically exhausted from the trauma of the things I've been through.
So really my purpose is to exist but not really live. I feel like a computer that's on but not exactly doing anything. Every day I do the same things and nothing ever changes. I'm here but I'm not here, that's how it feels. I don't have anything to do with my siblings now but last I heard they were all married, working and had children. It kind of feels like I've been forgotten about and life is passing me by quickly. Everyone is living, growing and changing but I'm stuck on the outside looking in.
Strange though because I'm not depressed. I'm anxious as always but I am happy.
I often think back to when I was little and how I was so hopeful and full of dreams for my future and then this happened and looking back I can't really see how. Just one of those things I guess.
Every time I think of changing things and turning my life back round the exhaustion amplifies and I'm in bed for the next week or two.
Just my thoughts tonight. Thought I'd write them out and that has helped clear my head. Maybe now I can get some sleep.
Night all.
Hi Black Heart. I’m assuming that’s your name? It does sound like you’ve hit burnout. I hit it as well in my final year at school because of all the exam pressure and it burnt me out. I remember it well and have done my best to avoid it ever since. It sounds like you are spending a lot of time focusing on the what if’s like what if you had a family or a job. Try not to focus on any of that stuff. For now focus on getting better. Rest is the best thing here and it sounds like you’re still putting a lot of pressure on yourself which will be slowing your recovery. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot of trauma and it’s all got on top of you.
If you do have or can get a good therapist who understands then I suggest you do that as talking therapy can be really good for autism. I find that talking rather than taking medication helps autistic people more. All the things you want to do in life are possible, they might be more difficult because of your autism but nothing is impossible and it’s all within your reach. Maybe not right this second. But that doesn’t mean not in the future. For now focus on you. Rest and do things little and often. Try to get out in the fresh air, spend a few minutes in the garden each day. Don’t push yourself to do things though. Do things when you feel able and rest when you need to. Burnout is horrible and it affects a lot of autistic people. Rest is key. Take care of yourself and if you need to vent or talk to us here then please do.
I hope you feel better soon.
Peace.