Published on 12, July, 2020
I find life complicated. I also find it interesting and mysterious. I find it difficult and overwhelmingly annoying. I often lay awake at night thinking about purpose - what my purpose is. My purpose as a woman of this world. Is it to have kids? Get married? Work? Learn to drive? If so then all of that is gone, no chance anymore because I am wrecked mentally and physically exhausted from the trauma of the things I've been through.
So really my purpose is to exist but not really live. I feel like a computer that's on but not exactly doing anything. Every day I do the same things and nothing ever changes. I'm here but I'm not here, that's how it feels. I don't have anything to do with my siblings now but last I heard they were all married, working and had children. It kind of feels like I've been forgotten about and life is passing me by quickly. Everyone is living, growing and changing but I'm stuck on the outside looking in.
Strange though because I'm not depressed. I'm anxious as always but I am happy.
I often think back to when I was little and how I was so hopeful and full of dreams for my future and then this happened and looking back I can't really see how. Just one of those things I guess.
Every time I think of changing things and turning my life back round the exhaustion amplifies and I'm in bed for the next week or two.
Just my thoughts tonight. Thought I'd write them out and that has helped clear my head. Maybe now I can get some sleep.
Night all.
Your writing sounds sad. I have sometimes felt like you do. Perhaps you are forgetting what you have achieved and all the good that you have done. It is easy to do that.
Acceptance is hard but a good thing. No more battling, pushing ourselves to achieve, but to enjoy the small but pleasurable things in life.
Did you have a late diagnosis? It can be a lot to take in. Going through life not knowing "what is wrong with us", and to get to where we are with no support and understanding, i would say we should be proud of ourselves, love ourselves and embrace ourselves.
So we see the world differently, we have amazing qualities, we are strong. We shouldnt underestimate what we have achieved.
I dont know what else to say, but i understand.
Nite nite
I don't think I've achieved much but I do remember my little sister told me I was a good sister to her and that meant a lot because I really did try my best to look after her.
Late diagnosis after 20 years of confusion and being different from everyone else. That for sure definitely hasn't helped me. I'm thinking what you've said is correct there's a lot of I haven't yet accepted and a lot of past regrets so it might be worth talking to my therapist again.
Thank you for understanding, that's reassuring and a big help in itself.