I Want Advice But Explaining May Be Tough

I am going to do the best I can to explain this scenario. My husband and I have not been doing great. There are a lot of changes that he needs to make so I am aware this isn't all on me but here is the scenario I can't work out. I will give an example from the talk we just had. 

Him "Yesterday it bothered me that the conversation started with you angry. We need to calm down to talk well."

Me, "You brought my attention to it and I calmed. What action or word could I do that signals to you I have calmed myself?" (I calm from anger rapidly)

Him, "You always defend yourself and fight when I ask for something."

Me, "I'm not fighting. I'm explaining that I thought I met your need and asking for a signal to show you it happened? What do you need me to do?"

Him, "I already told you "

This is paraphrased but at the end there I am completely confused on what to do in the future because I have already done what I thought met a need. He starts saying our conversations are too difficult. This does not seem difficult to me. If you can't articulate right now then think and come back to me with the cue you need. 

I even asked him to look at it through the new autism stuff I'm learning and he said that he doesn't think I can.

So, does this seen like me missing a social cue or not getting the generalized way he's talking or this him not wanting to own up to his own emotions and trying to make me figure out how to regulate him?