Published on 12, July, 2020
As a 44yr old father of 2 you who has worked as a retail manager for most of his adult life, you would think that my communication skills must be pretty good right? Well scrap that idea, because actually they are pretty bad.
How bad I hear you ask? and to that I answer, really bad.
I struggle with my facial expressions - apparently they are really emotive but not in a good way, I come across as judgmental, angry, frustrated. I cannot keep a conversation flowing, I pause lots while I process things. I don't always finish sentences the way that would be considered "the norm", sometimes I misunderstand what is being said or meant and this leads to massive frustration for me and my partner.
I am desperate for someone to point me in the direction of some help, some support, some literature to help me understand my communication barriers and yes, to try and improve them.
I have posted on so many social media platforms - groups that supposedly are supportive, but what I get is a lot of noise from people telling me that it is not for me to improve or try to change, it is for my partner to understand and make adjustments. This doesn't work for me. Why?
I apologise if the tone of this post is aggressive and antagonistic to some, but I am really at the point beyond no return with this, I want to learn how to communicate better. I know I'm never going to be "perfect" I'm not looking to be, but I want to improve for myself, my partner, my son and the wider world.
Neil said:I struggle with my facial expressions
Hello Neil, I know exactly where you are coming from. Let me address your request about the above:
This is Alexithymia is a fairly common autistic trait:en.wikipedia.org/.../AlexithymiaAlexithymia, also called emotional blindness, is a neuropsychological phenomenon characterized by significant challenges in recognizing, expressing, and describing one's own emotions. With the face being the primary way of expressing emotions, it is also why you have problems in expressing what you are struggling to feel.Here are a few books about the subject if you are interested in digging deeper:Emotionally Dumb, An Overview of Alexithymia - Jason Thompson (2009)ISBN 9780646512518Emotional Processing Deficits and Happiness, Assessing the Measurement, Correlates, and Well-Being of People with Alexithymia - Linden R. Timoney, Mark D. HolderISBN 9789400771765Alexithymia, A World Without Emotions - Juan Moises de la Serna (2018)no ISBN givenDisorders of Affect Regulation, Alexithymia in Medical and Psychiatric Illness - Graeme J. Taylor, R. Michael Bagby, James D. A. Parker (1999)ISBN 0521778506Integration and Self Healing - Affect, Trauma, Alexithymia - Henry Krystal (1988)ISBN 9780881631807
The conversation issues are also horribly familiiar to me and are another autistic trait. I would suggest starting with:
Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism - Grandin, Temple, Barron, Sean (2017)ISBN 9781941765388
Lastly, regarding finding a way to adapt for your partner - I had 2 years of couples therapy to get my relationship into a good place. I recommed finding a good couples therapist who will work with both of you and can then do individual sessions for you (but they can share the content with your partner if needed) as you are the one who probably needs to find ways to be more authentic when interacting with your other half (based on what you said).
I can give recommend one for you if you are interested in that route.
The following book may have some interesting points if you want to try it, but I think you are much better off with a targetted therapy route:
The Asperger Love Guide - A Practical Guide for Adults with Asperger's Syndrome to Seeking, Establishing and Maintaining Successful Relationships - Genevieve Edmonds, Dean Worton (2005)ISBN 141291910X
The fact you are trying and going well out your comfort zone is a great indication you have the stamina to go the course on this.
I hope something there is of use to you.