Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone :)
I have a question to ask and you might think it is silly.
I understand and can identify with 90% of what is posted on this forum but something keeps tripping me up. I don't **really know** what people mean when they say they had a 'meltdown'.
I can only assume that I do not get these? I am on a lot of medication that makes it hard to really feel any feelings, so maybe I am just too numb to experience this.
Anyway, if anyone can share their experience of what happens/means when someone talks about meltdowns that would be helpful.
(Is it the same as if, for example, you said a child was having a meltdown? eg. throwing a tantrum)
Thanks in advance and sorry if this is a stupid/obvious question.
Not everyone has meltdowns! Maybe you really don't and that's normal for you, it doesn't have to be due to medication. You might find your experiences reflected better in accounts of shutdowns, or maybe this is just a part of autistic experience that's less applicable to you. You're not less autistic without it
For me, yes, a meltdown feels (and presumably looks) the same as it did when I was a kid. It's not a tantrum though. It feels like I'm getting more and more overwhelmed and upset, with this horrible tense energy building up inside. When the meltdown itself finally starts it does feel sort of like losing my temper, but I don't really have any control over it- if I genuinely lose my temper I'm able to squash it down a bit if I need to until I calm down, but with a meltdown it will always come out eventually.
Meltdowns make me want to scream, cry, and fling myself about to get all that horrible energy out of my body. Sometimes they make me want to hurt myself, not because I actually want to cause myself pain but because I need something to focus on other than that 'final straw' that triggered the meltdown. I'm somebody who masks a lot so what people usually see is me stomping off in a huff and going off to sulk, but what's really happening is me escaping the situation while the mask is rapidly slipping and then going off to cry (the most socially acceptable way to release the horrible energy) until I feel better again.
Okay, after posting this I was wracked with fear that someone was going to tell me I'm 'not autistic' because I don't get these. So thank you for explaining that it isn't for everyone.
I get very sad, depressed, low. I get angry with situations (eg. injustice) and with myself for getting stuff wrong, but it doesn't come out in a physical way really.
So it's basically a build up of bad energy that has to somehow come out and it comes out in screaming and crying and falling down and stuff. I think I get it now.
So sorry you have to go through this - but thank you for explaining.