Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello!
TL;DR: Over the course of the past few weeks I have done a lot of self-assessment, self-reflection and online testing to determine whether I am on the spectrum. If any of it is to be trusted, I am. But none of the specialists in my area are trained to diagnose it, and I know that without a diagnosis from a trained professional, the people in my circle won't accept the diagnosis. It's causing me anxiety and I don't know how to proceed.
Long version
I always knew that I was different from the people around me, and usually they weren't shy about pointing that out either. I've spent an exhausting amount of time trying to fit in and be normal, but it's left me feeling so overwhelmed and burnt out that I battle to get out of bed in the morning. The social expectations people have, the fact that everyone keeps trying to touch me (hugs from family and extroverts, strangers tapping on me to get my attention, etc.), the constant eye contact, topped with not being socially "allowed" to express just how angry it makes me when people try to force these things on me. I keep getting called rude when I simply don't understand what I could have possibly said that was rude. I'm so tired of trying to fit in to a world that hasn't lifted a finger to try and make it easier for me.
All of this led me to going down a very deep rabbit hole to try and assess whether I am on the spectrum. I've spoken online to a few people, gone on some forums and read the DSM-5 criteria. At the recommendation of someone online who is currently undergoing diagnosis, I did some of the online tests on the Embrace Autism website, and a few others on some other places that I don't recall. I tried very hard to unmask myself while answering, not using the responses that years of social "training" has dictated. My scores were as follows:
AQ: 40CAT-Q: 147RAADS-R: 159
And then also something called the Aspie quiz, where my Aspie score was 130 and my neurotypical score was 92.
These scores are quite high, and the DSM-5 criteria, for the most part, also apply.
Now, I don't know how reliable these online tests are, but I can't for the life of me find any psychologist or psychiatrist close to me who is trained to diagnose ASD. The closest I've gotten was one of them telling me they have a "general understanding of the DSM-5 criteria". But the more I read and the more I learn, the more it makes sense, and the more certain I am.
But I know that, without an official diagnosis from a trained professional, my family won't accept it as the truth. They're the type of people who like to say things like "You don't have ADHD, you just need a healthy diet and routine to focus", "You're not depressed, you're just going through a rough patch" and "Stop trying to label yourself and going out looking for mental illnesses".
I don't know how to deal with this. I was thinking of just getting a medical alert bracelet and not saying anything more. At least in times of emergency then, I'll be fine, but I don't want to make a spectacle of announcing something that I know I'll just get judged for and silenced.
I'm feeling so anxious, overwhelmed and, most importantly, alone. I really don't know how to move forward from here.
I'm hoping that someone else here has gone through something similar and can shed some light. I'd very much appreciate it.
Thank you for your time
Welcome Beryl, your online scores are very suggestive of autism but as you pointed out sometimes there is quite a long (physical) journey involved for adult assessment as sometimes you have to travel to a city for NHS diagnosis although some areas are setting up more local departments. Have you had a think about whether certain family members have traits as you’ve been researching your own? Not necessarily to confront them but autism and ADHD runs in families and some people, often the older generations but not always, will dismiss your struggles or want for diagnosis because they are the same and think they’re “normal” . Maybe if that is true of your family it may feel easier for you to put their thoughts aside and pursue diagnosis? You don’t need to tell them anything if you don’t want to
Thank you for your kind response.
I have strongly suspected all my life that mental illness of all forms are vividly apparent in most of my family members. Sadly, for a few of them, one of those includes NPD, so I'm not even going to try to tell them. My mother has started noticing how much I struggle socially so I think she might be the only one open to hearing this news.
I really wish I could get a real diagnosis because I also feel like an emotional support dog would make such a massive difference, but I've heard that the diagnostic process is not only difficult and long, but also extremely expensive, so it's not really an option for me. Not at the moment, at least.
Do you think it's good enough for me just to get the bracelet and leave it at that? If family or anyone else asks, I'll tell them what I've found. And if they try to dispute it, just do my best to get it across that their opinion doesn't really hold sway over this for me?
What would you do in my position?
Sorry I didn’t realise you are not in the UK, it is very expensive to be privately assessed and is a barrier to a lot of people who then choose to self diagnose (although that’s not official) Just the realisation for yourself can help you manage your struggles more effectively though, I didn’t realise I was having sensory overload in shops I thought I was feeling unwell, having a “funny turn” like people say! You will need to look into your local laws for emotional support dogs, some countries allow you to register your own dog but some places require them to be professionally trained to be allowed to take them into shops or workplaces etc