Hello!
TL;DR: Over the course of the past few weeks I have done a lot of self-assessment, self-reflection and online testing to determine whether I am on the spectrum. If any of it is to be trusted, I am. But none of the specialists in my area are trained to diagnose it, and I know that without a diagnosis from a trained professional, the people in my circle won't accept the diagnosis. It's causing me anxiety and I don't know how to proceed.
Long version
I always knew that I was different from the people around me, and usually they weren't shy about pointing that out either. I've spent an exhausting amount of time trying to fit in and be normal, but it's left me feeling so overwhelmed and burnt out that I battle to get out of bed in the morning. The social expectations people have, the fact that everyone keeps trying to touch me (hugs from family and extroverts, strangers tapping on me to get my attention, etc.), the constant eye contact, topped with not being socially "allowed" to express just how angry it makes me when people try to force these things on me. I keep getting called rude when I simply don't understand what I could have possibly said that was rude. I'm so tired of trying to fit in to a world that hasn't lifted a finger to try and make it easier for me.
All of this led me to going down a very deep rabbit hole to try and assess whether I am on the spectrum. I've spoken online to a few people, gone on some forums and read the DSM-5 criteria. At the recommendation of someone online who is currently undergoing diagnosis, I did some of the online tests on the Embrace Autism website, and a few others on some other places that I don't recall. I tried very hard to unmask myself while answering, not using the responses that years of social "training" has dictated. My scores were as follows:
AQ: 40
CAT-Q: 147
RAADS-R: 159
And then also something called the Aspie quiz, where my Aspie score was 130 and my neurotypical score was 92.
These scores are quite high, and the DSM-5 criteria, for the most part, also apply.
Now, I don't know how reliable these online tests are, but I can't for the life of me find any psychologist or psychiatrist close to me who is trained to diagnose ASD. The closest I've gotten was one of them telling me they have a "general understanding of the DSM-5 criteria". But the more I read and the more I learn, the more it makes sense, and the more certain I am.
But I know that, without an official diagnosis from a trained professional, my family won't accept it as the truth. They're the type of people who like to say things like "You don't have ADHD, you just need a healthy diet and routine to focus", "You're not depressed, you're just going through a rough patch" and "Stop trying to label yourself and going out looking for mental illnesses".
I don't know how to deal with this. I was thinking of just getting a medical alert bracelet and not saying anything more. At least in times of emergency then, I'll be fine, but I don't want to make a spectacle of announcing something that I know I'll just get judged for and silenced.
I'm feeling so anxious, overwhelmed and, most importantly, alone. I really don't know how to move forward from here.
I'm hoping that someone else here has gone through something similar and can shed some light. I'd very much appreciate it.
Thank you for your time