Published on 12, July, 2020
I have a hard time asking questions but I also have a harder time asking for simple favors.
I am not sure if it is my pride, but I like to prove that I don't need help from anyone, I can do it by myself. It's not right to be extreme in this and I am working on learning and improving.
I wonder if someone has similar experiences.
I always assumed I was like this because of all the times I've asked for a favour, someone says it's fine, and then later it turns out they resented having to do it or expected something in return that they didn't specify. I guess being autistic makes it more surprising when that happens, as I can't pick up on whatever hints people think they're dropping.
That point too adds to why I don't ask for help as often. I actually dislike the "scratch my back so I'd scratch yours " thing. It feels like a manipulative game to me, even tho I know that most people don't use it this way. Still, when I help someone or do something nice, I don't expect anything in return. I do it happily and only when I'm very comfortable with doing it. I'm usually very surprised that people want something in return (not all of them of course). Sometimes they ask me to do something that I don't want to do and they are like "how come we do this and that for you and you don't do this for me?". I'm like "I'm not doing it because I don't want to! The fact that you did me a favour won't pressure me into doing something that I don't like!". I find this situation irritating. It definitely makes me careful about whom to ask for help
That point too adds to why I don't ask for help as often. I actually dislike the "scratch my back so I'd scratch yours " thing. It feels like a manipulative game to me
This is a classic issue for autists - society has an unspoken rule of quid pro quo - or "something given or received for something else".
It isn't a universal rule and the autistic lack of understanding when this should apply is why we struggle with it.
It may be best to assume that if you ask for something that there will be some price to pay for it.
Sometimes they ask me to do something that I don't want to do and they are like "how come we do this and that for you and you don't do this for me?". I'm like "I'm not doing it because I don't want to!
You asked someone to spend time, effort and possibly some cost to themselves. Is it not fair to expect reciprocation?
If not, why not walk into a shop and take something you want and just walk out, saying "I don't want to pay". It is a logical extension of your arguement. The fact you did not understand the implicit agreement is not an arguement as there are also no signs in the shop saying that you must pay for the goods before leaving.
I'm not having a go at you, I'm just unpacking the logic of the arguement to see what the best way to defuse this frustration.