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IMasterCommander

Hello there,

I don't really know how to start, I am literally brand new to this site. My name is Hannah and I live in the USA. I am 25 and I was diagnosed with autism (among other things) late last year and I have had the realization that I have no friends. I have had a bunch of people in my life throughout the years that I have thought were my friend, but in reality, they were my friend but I wasn't theirs. So I have a lot of acquaintances and people that I am friendly with, but no one to actually spend time with or get to know me beyond surface level (which is typically a mask at first anyways). I ask questions, I engage in their interests, I try to find common ground but it's to no avail. I have a girlfriend who is a social butterfly and I hang out with her friends, but over two years none of them have become my friend, not for lack of trying either. I can just really tell that they aren't interested in me and think that I am weird from watching how they respond to me when I talk or am just around.

I am just feeling extremely defeated and lonely. I work in a small office where I am the youngest employee, so making peer-friendships isn't really an option at work. I skateboard, go to the gym, attend concerts regularly, go to coffee shops and antique stores. I don't know why I feel like no one wants to be my friend or get to know me. The people I went to school with have all been friends since childhood and I had a group of girls that I spent an immense amount of time with, but as time went on I got left out more and more, texted less frequently, and was dodged when asking to get together. 

I guess this is more of a vent session than a topic of discussion and I'm sorry, but I'd love to have some earnest tips in befriending someone. I'd even be happy with a penpal. I want a sense of normalcy in my social life, I want a 'best friend'.

Thank you <3 

  • For starters bravo you've arrived at this forum and that is a good first step and will go some way to the next step if you so wish..my advice is too find a group where other aspires are(this is a very common thing in Australia I found out because of the weather generally they are more out and about rather than sitting in rooms on the Internet like in the Uk) I was discussing this with my son who has aspbergers as many many suffer with loneliness and tbh not much is  done to reach out to people who are isolated (and sorry but me and my son have had Jack all support from day one its been a sh&* show in this country when it comes to helping my son. Sorry couldn't help but get mad there..I digress...but I do understand trust me. My son said the people who are out and about are mainly neuro typical and the aspires like him who he would feel comfortable with are in their houses on line. There is no doubt a huge lack of venues activities avaliable for aspires to engage with other aspires especially here In UK ...you're gonna have to do some searching to find them...but you've made a start coming on here  keep it up and make that effort...no doubt someone  might reach out and give you some practical  suggestions. I did come across a venue in Brighton once some years ago so there is hope yet :)

  • Hi Hannah, and welcome.  I find posting here can help.  As for the friend stuff, if you do find a solution, i'd love to hear it! :-)

  • Looking back i now realise that people liked me and wanted to be my friend, it was me who pushed people away.

    Perhaps they are just not your people. 

    I now choose my friends carefully. Those that dont make demands on me, who are overwhelming,, and those that dont have high expectations from me. 

    I used to try to fit in with others, but i didnt like it. It didnt feel right. 

    In the past i have had friends who weren't really friends. They often didnt want the best for me, yet i tried hard to be a good friend. 

    Try find the right people for you. They are out there. 

    Now i know i am autistic  i will tell people who i feel comfirtable with. I cant mask any more its too exhausting. It feels very liberating for me. X

  • I get it. It's a common theme for Aitistic people.

    I am 58. 56 diagnosed. I've often sat at the edge of big groups, had people around me who do not get me, yet have deep friendships in my life.

    I guess the best thing I can say is don't try. You are you. You have a right to be you. Many will not get you. However some will. Those kindred spirits, possibly themselves neurodivergent will gravitate toward you, and stay.

    The precious few in 58 who did that for me are the best. Your soul buddies will find you. As for the rest, oh.. smile, sit on the edge and watch. Let them do their NT stuff. The NDs will sit next to you. 

  • Hello , welcome to the online community and thank you for sharing. You may find our page on Making friends helpful: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/family-life-and-relationships/making-friends.

    Best wishes,

    Anna Mod

  • Hi Hannah! Come to Scotland and be my friend! I'm always looking for new friends!