Really struggling and lost

Bear with me here, this could be a long post. 

Basically, there's been an accumulation of things over the last 6 months or so.

So, first of all, I got diagnosed as autistic at the end of 2022. At first, I was so relieved (and still am) to know more about me. But I wanted time to process it. It probably sounds petty, but I wanted the week between Christmas and New Year (when I was on annual leave from work) to do this. However, I ended up getting Covid so that scuppered my plans, then my dog got seriously ill. That week really didn't go to plan. 

Then, I was due to start a new job in January so I went straight into that as soon as the New Year hit and it's been quite an overwhelming task to say the least. I've really struggled to navigate a new job, whilst coming to terms with my autism diagnosis and trying to understand how the diagnosis affects my work and vice versa. 

Add to that the fact that two of my close relatives are battling numerous health problems at the moment, so much so that the one who is self employed is thinking of packing up their business (which upsets me a lot). My brother also lost his job earlier this year and as he lives with me, it's been a constant battle to get him to apply for anything new. I don't want to put pressure on him to rush into something he's not happy with, but equally, we're going to reach a point where he needs the income and has no savings left to rely on. 

I guess the other big overarching thing is that, as time has gone on, I've realised more and more ways that my life is not set up to best support my autistic needs. The office environment, my many many volunteering roles that take up hours of my time, the constant feeling that there are things I 'should' be doing but often can't or don't, the idea that I've followed what people have told me I should follow because I'm good at it (but instead it was really taxing on me to maintain a certain standard). 

It's gotten to the point where my own health is failing. I've been signed off work because an existing physical health condition has got a lot worse lately. I'd been trying to push through for weeks but eventually broke down in front of the doctor who signed me off for a couple of weeks. We agreed it was likely stress causing the exacerbated  problem but that wasn't written on the doctors note, only the physical condition.

I looked into the counselling option offered by my GP but it specifically states they cannot support autistic individuals specifically, it's only general mental health. I was thinking about giving it a try, but to be honest I think it's the specific aspects of being autistic that I really need to figure out to move forward. 

The GP also said I shouldn't be worrying about things outside of my control. How many times have I heard that?! I really do know that, but no matter how hard I try I seem to just absorb everything going on around me and it affects me whether I want it to or not. I don't know how to change that. The other things I realise aren't working for me are such massive changes e.g. my work environment or the job as a whole - that I don't think I can do anything about them now. The other side of me also wonders if I'm not really in the right headspace to make any decisions like that right now and if I should just wait a while and see if stuff sorts itself out. But I somehow don't see things sorted themselves out but I'm so stuck on what to do. Even if I'm not specifically thinking about one particular thing, my brain just feels 'full' and 'foggy' a lot of the time so it's so hard to figure out what I'm meant to do. 

I know I can't go on like this for too much longer and something needs to change but I'm really at a loss of what I can do. I have a week still off work but I can already tell that my condition is getting worse again with the thought of going back to work.