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Low libido - really struggling

NAS80814

Hi

I tried to add a follow up post to one I had already made around this issue but couldn't figure it out so apologies

My partner's continued low libido due to taking medication is absolutely destroying me

I'm finding it so hard to cope, this is causing messed up sleeping, stimming by punching my head and really making my relationship with my partner so difficult. 

We have been lucky to get away to some nice places recently and I would have thought the change of scenery, nice hotel rooms, fancy clothes etc would have being a catalyst for intimacy but I'm left feeling destroyed after them because nothing happens and I feel even worse because I allowed myself to hope of something happening and this dashing of hope is one of the worst things

I allow myself the possibility of intimacy, even fantasize about it but when it doesn't happen it destroys me

I do appreciate its not my partner's fault and I struggle to not take it personally, but it still leaves me devastated that I can't even turn my partner on, it tanks my self esteem and makes me feel disgusting. 

After every rejection I feel like my heart's being ripped out. 

It even got to the stage where I was ready to give up, just to stop trying because what's the point??? The damage to me mentally because of constant rejection is piling up. 

It even got to the stage I was planning on not watching my partner get dressed to avoid the possibility of being turned on 

I feel this is a pretty Ducked up thing to do and goes against how I normally behave but I'm torturing myself by keeping trying , am I meant to just pretend I have no drive either??

I feel sick , get moody , struggle to sleep after every rejection. 

The only saving grace is me and my partner communicate about things pretty good, but conversations around sex are becoming 'im getting sick of having this conversation" but I feel as it not been resolved of course we are going to have this conversation over and over again. 

I love my partner to the moon and back , I truly do but I'm at a loss here, I don't want to lose them over a intimacy issue that's not really there fault. 

I discussed with my partner about speaking with their doctor around their medication and that went down like a lead balloon, I get my partner's condition is their priority and I'm not asking them to sacrifice their health for the sake of intimacy, I'm asking that the issues that are being caused by the medication are highlighted to the GP and see if there is there is any thing that could be done differently, to me that seems like a reasonable request but my partner's reaction to me suggests otherwise?

However I can't see that happening, so I'm left in limbo. 

This is months and months of near constant rejection, yes we have had spells that have been better but they never last and then I'm back to feeling hopeless and hurt again. 

I have no one to turn to, constant communication about this to my partner is going to be seen as pressure and I feel could possibly damage our relationship long term

I don't see a path forward, I'm totally at a loss and I would appreciate all your  Thought balloon Pray

Thanks 

Parents

  • It seems like you get a lot of your self esteem from sex and that is the issue, not your partner's libido at the moment. Feeling devastated because you haven't had sex for a while is quite an extreme reaction. Do you tend to feel things intensely? I'm asking because this is a key feature of my autism. If I'm not careful I can get in a loop of thinking about something intensely which continues to feed in to feelings of anxiety. Sex can be nice but you need to be ok if you can't have sex with someone else for a while. Navigating differing sex drives is part of being in a relationship. At the beginning it's not unusual to have matching desires, then things slow down, life events can change things, illness, etc. If you care about someone enough to stick around then learning how to handle this is part of it. Getting your self esteem by feeling sexually desired is not sustainable or particularly healthy. It's not anyone else's responsibility to make you feel ok about yourself, and do you want that anyway? Why you feel terrible right now is because you rely on your partner wanting sex to be able to feel ok, something that is out of her control because she is ill and on medication for it. If you had more robust self esteem your partner's current lack of desire would not be affecting you so badly and you wouldn't be feeling so desperate. 

Reply

  • It seems like you get a lot of your self esteem from sex and that is the issue, not your partner's libido at the moment. Feeling devastated because you haven't had sex for a while is quite an extreme reaction. Do you tend to feel things intensely? I'm asking because this is a key feature of my autism. If I'm not careful I can get in a loop of thinking about something intensely which continues to feed in to feelings of anxiety. Sex can be nice but you need to be ok if you can't have sex with someone else for a while. Navigating differing sex drives is part of being in a relationship. At the beginning it's not unusual to have matching desires, then things slow down, life events can change things, illness, etc. If you care about someone enough to stick around then learning how to handle this is part of it. Getting your self esteem by feeling sexually desired is not sustainable or particularly healthy. It's not anyone else's responsibility to make you feel ok about yourself, and do you want that anyway? Why you feel terrible right now is because you rely on your partner wanting sex to be able to feel ok, something that is out of her control because she is ill and on medication for it. If you had more robust self esteem your partner's current lack of desire would not be affecting you so badly and you wouldn't be feeling so desperate. 

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