How do you manage professional relationships?

People say good morning or are you ok today? One introduced herself by saying got 5 children and 2 are autistic. I can relate to this. 

Some shop keepers know that I get nervous and understand. Also told me that I'm welcome in the shop and face covering not the law anymore. 

My professional relationships aren't especially social. It's all work because at the end of the day we've got a job to do and there's not much room for casual smalltalk and a fun chat. As soon as we're in we get started on our work. I can be a little social but try to focus on the work, which does involve talking but it's all work stuff, fatty colon, spine weighs etc....

I've been offered drinks after work but I never do. I just go home and switch back to normal mode and then at work again back in work mode.

Yes. It sounds smart indeed. I have never thought about investing emotionally there. I struggle with faking. I am who I am and I find it hard to pretend anything else. Small talks irritate and annoy me. Dressing codes ro fit whatever they call socially appropriate. Masking is probably what I'm struggling with. Being loud so my visions and ideas would be heard and seen. Making connections so I would secure a place. Handling the very basic social event as a lunch for example is extremely exhausting. The last lunch I had with my colleagues was me being silent for 50 min. My boss announced that she was pregnant and I couldn't say the word "congratulations". It was mainly because I was expected to say it, so for some reason I wasn't able to just say it. I simply didn't feel it genuinely coming out of my mouth. It's not that I wasn't happy because she was happy.. it was because of another weird reason that I'm still not sure what it was.. situations like that make me fear for my position in my job. Make me feel like it's unfair that my well-done work isn't valued enough due to my lack of social skills in meetings or due to my my idea that good work speaks for me and I don't have to be loud, confident or sell it with talking and marketing.. most of the time I do have to, and I'm trying to figure out how!! 

Yh I understand that, it's unfortunate but I do not think the NTs in our lives realise sometimes we aren't being rude we're just saving our spoons, because we have to as autists. I think if you can just keep them polite and as friendly as you can without too much emotional investment on your part may be the smart strategy.
I have always found as an autist there is a fine balancing act between holding open the door for them to walk into our lives proper and guarding our social energy reserves.

Yes. I've never felt any click with any coworker before. The tough part for me is the fake relationship itself.  The one without the click. 

I don't have "professional relationships", I think that phrase cheapens real relationships that are more than a necessitated degree of civility in order to keep a workplace from becoming animositous from the fact that work almost always sucks and if it weren't for needing to pay bills almost nobody (except the career types) would want to be there.
That's not to say I actively dislike people I work with it's just that unless or until I click with someone that doesn't mean I like them either, so when I come back home and close the door any coworkers that I haven't developed actual raport with simply cease to exist in my mind. They only exist in work world not in the world outside of work as far as my brain is concerned. Maybe that's a mix of Autism and ADHD at play, but that's the truth of it for me.

I don't think the lack of "clicking" is helped by the fact that when a NT (who isn't your good friend already) asks "how are you?" they never want the real answer it's just a polite throw away line to acknowlege the presence of the other person (you). That civil recognition may smooth out the work environment but I know it's fake, it's perfunctory not out of genuine interest so it is very difficult to be a genuine and open person in those irl situations where you seldom find other genuine  and open people. I get it work sucks for most people but I don't think it's a lack of being open to an actual friendly interaction on my part when the other person is just in a rush to clock in get the work done and clock out again themselves.
Also that toxic hustle culture where everyone is too busy to stop and breathe for a moment is just making it worse and worse. So if I don't click* with a coworker in a week after meeting then I just keep it perfunctory and robotic, beep boop, I don't see any sense emotionally investing in people that aren't emotionally invested in me. I prefer to make relationships outside of work and usually based on mutual interests.

*and really if the click was gonna happen it usually is instant or in the first few interactions anyway.

Friends friends?? Like actually close personal meaningful friendship?. I'm sort of surprised. Is it really something people do at work?. Actually, I've seen that happening in people's job's but I still thought that it couldn't happen in mine. Now I'm puzzled and surprised that actually people can do that even tho I knew some people who did 

How do I manage professional relationships,? I don't.

This used to get me all the time in my last job. I never quite managed to get the balance right. I thought I had a good professional facade. And then when I left, I realised all my colleagues around me actually were friend friends with each other. I was so confused, like, "I'm supposed to invite people to my house and for coffee outside work? Oh so I was actually allowed to be friends with them?" 

Aside from that, social hierarchy was a problem for me. I have no sense of how we're supposed to talk to people higher up differently. Several times I got pulled into meetings with my manager where they were going "why did you ask X what to do, he's the head of finance!" I could not see why asking X a question was wrong but apparently it was because lower rank staff are not allowed to ask the head to do something it seems. 

That's great news. I can imagine that would be funny! I hope having this increased awareness in your professional relationship together helps things run smoother for you at work

Yep ... I feel good.   She did say that there had been a few occasions where I had been, lets say, not as accommodating as I could have been ... aka rude, but that i was generally good.

I did have a funny moment when I was trying to describe the problem of eye contact, and realizing that I was looking out of the window!

I'm so glad to hear it went well!! 

Well, we had the chat ... she was great about it!  So glad I picked her to be my first 'victim'! :-)

I was really nervous but she was supportive. She was trying to e encouraging when talking about getting help to learn how to read faces better ... it's the thought that counts.

Altogether a really positive experience!

Just need to identify the next person now!

Melanpolly said:

i’ve learnt most people will not do this. unless you talk to them they are genuinely not interested and not do it themselves which can make it feel like they don’t like me 

I've learned that a lot of people are just there to be able to pay the bills and they don't give a hoot for chit chat, office politics or about being the best you can be.

And fair play to them - most companies don't pay enough to earn your involvement and often have a poor working envioronment, so why should the employees go out of their way if they don't want to.

You can lead a horse to water, but sticking its head in the water tends to result in a final written warning...

this is interesting, like if there’s ever a new person in my work and the situation arrises where we are talking to each other i will always go above and beyond to make them seem comfortable and appease them etc, but i’ve learnt most people will not do this. unless you talk to them they are genuinely not interested and not do it themselves which can make it feel like they don’t like me 

No problem, I hope it helps.

I wasn't, but i am looking now, thanks.

Have you heard of Wellness Action Plans created by Mind? 

It might be a useful, structured way to help you talk through your circumstances. I have one for work I shared with my manager which I need to update now that I'm aware of my Autism. 

Some time next week i guess.