Autistic Sex Reputation (NSFW)

yes it's important we be able to have 'grown up' discussions that might offend some people. Because after all we are adults and if we avoid anything controversial there really wouldn't be much left worth talking about.

Thank you for allowing this discussion and moderation 

I'm very late coming back to this thread, sorry! But you might find some of the terminology we use in the asexual community useful  even though you're not ace yourself.

Because sexual attraction and sexual behaviour can be different (e.g. if an asexual person wants children they might have sex in order to conceive) we split the two things up. So whether you feel sexual attraction or not doesn't always match whether you find sex enjoyable or feel comfortable doing it for reasons other than attraction. An asexual person who is sensory-seeking wouldn't be sexually attracted to anyone but might enjoy having sex with people they like in other ways (aesthetic, romantic, etc) because it feels good,andthey would be considered sex-favourable. Someone who isn't especially bothered either way would be sex-indifferent. And then, someone who finds sex unpleasant would be sex-averse or sex-repulsed, even if they experience sexual attraction and would like it in theory, because the reality of it just doesn't work for them- that could be due to something like trauma, but it's also not uncommon for people to find that sex is just overstimulating or has sensory aspects they don't like.

One of the reasons why I cut all ties with the gay community 15 years ago as an older gay man and given my values system as a devout traditional rural Irish Catholic and cultural background, aside from the prejudice and discrimination that I’d experienced from (within) the gay community since I came out in my teens in the 1980’s, was because I started to observe how the gay community was becoming increasingly unhealthy and dysfunctional, not least with the growth of STI’s and the “hookup” culture, driven by gay “dating” apps and websites, where the commercial gay “scene” was becoming dominant and its toxic influence was reaching into the nonprofit element of the gay community and voluntary sector, which was becoming too student oriented and too political, which led to its rejection of sincerely held religious and moral beliefs, even if some of these were perceived as being anti-gay - certain other types of infiltration of the gay community was also something that I was gradually observing, which was taking the gay community down a direction that I was very uncomfortable with and as we have seen during Covid, has caused the closure of many gay venues at a time when they are needed more than ever, also forcing many much needed LGBT charities to disband despite the fact they are providing much needed services to the LGBT community 

If you're in the US, you can get a diagnosis by seeing a private evaluator out of pocket.  Mine was $900, but I'm sure you can shop around and find something cheaper.  Insurance won't know, yet you will receive a full report and know for yourself.  With that report, you could access services through non-profit organizations that will have nothing to do with your insurance.

You could also reach out to said non-profits and ask them if they are aware of insurance reducing access to care because of autism diagnosis.

On the other hand, if you do receive a diagnosis and at some point fill out healthcare or insurance paperwork that specifically asks about autism and you decline to report the diagnosis, you might be committing fraud.

The whole system is a racket.

I think my point was less about BDSM and more about how an age gap is viewed as predatory even when there are very good reasons for it. I am no expert in the gay scene but I gather clubbing and hooking up is largely a younger gay man thing? So if you were trying to do that just by virtue of the kind of people who'd be there you'd be approaching much younger men. Maybe the gay scene is more tolerant but I'm fairly sure if you did that in a heterosexual context before long there would be a bunch of people declaring you a predator and demanding you be canceled / banned etc. And whether anything came of that would depend a lot on whether those who disliked you knew the right people.

You don't need to walk around in a gimp suit cracking a whip to be labeled a predator. Just be the wrong side of 30, autistic and hanging out with people in the early 20s, uni students etc.

Yeah there are precicly 2 things you can say about 'all autistic people.'

Thank you.

Indeed, all group identities have a downside, because we are all unique.  If some want to indulge in .. whatever ... have at it, i just see so much scope for abuse if this reputation is propagated.

Touay said:

If you want to protect autistic women, any time you are asked if autistic women are kinky ... SAY NO!

I think it's more complicated than that though- some autistic women ARE kinky, and that's fine. The problem arises when someone assumes that we're all the same, whether that assumption is "all autistic women will indulge your kinks" or "all autistic women can be manipulated into doing whatever you want them to." I don't think dismissing the experience of any subset of autistic women is helpful here.

I can honestly say that I’ve never personally been into the whole BDSM leather/fetish thing on the gay scene myself, but I do (somewhat) understand why some are into it and even the “satanic thing” amongst gay men, even if a handsome and muscular young gay man in leather or rubber/PVC, etc does look good - frankly in some ways, I find it a little disturbing that because of past trauma affecting a person’s self-esteem that they feel the need to want to be punished and/or to experience pain as a form of “pleasure” and/or as the only way to express love with another person, neither does this love need to be expressed via sexual activity, that some people seem to almost be obsessed with in our modern culture since my teens in the 1980’s - perhaps I’m trying to “keep it classy” here and still hanker after the classically romantic version of love and romance, something that is timeless, going home to Ireland so often in the hopes of meeting my “handsome Irish hunk” without the need to “jump each others bones” at every waking moment - I’d been involved in the gay scene for many years and avidly read articles in the gay press in Ireland after I’d come out in Catholic Rural Ireland after coming onto the Dublin gay scene, plus I’d always been around straight women and girls for most of my life and was never really into “manly” things so straight girls formed many of my cultural values, including after I came out as gay - and being the most romantic sign of the Zodiac (Libra) was a factor too 

IrishInManchesterUK said:

now 52, my rich handsome Prince might very well be 25, despite having more in common with someone over 40

See this is the thing. A lot of autistic people just don't get the same life experiences as other people our age. And if your autistic special interests are widely seen as juvenile (anime, video games etc) there is a decent chance one day you'll end up in a social circle thats younger than you, maybe much younger.

And its at that point people will start treating you as if you are some sort of creep or predator. How dare you hope to find a romantic partner who shares your interests and that you can relate to you monster. You are clearly trying to corrupt these young adults who have had more sex than you and more jobs than you and a lot of them seem to have more money than you ... How dare you.

People just assume older adults hanging out socially with young adults are some kind of threat. It's just another unfair stigma that gets thrown at a lot of autistic people.

I think there might be parallels between the autistic community of today and the gay community of 40 or 50 years ago. Today few would dream of saying have you just tried not being gay or have you tried being more normal.

few would describe homosexuality as a problem but needed to be solved or cured.

few  would say homosexuals need to adapt to so-called heteronormative culture if they want to fit in and be allowed to take part in society.

people do say the sorts of things about autistic people.

I think the distinction between autism as a culture as a Community and the LGBT community is as autistic people we have yet to have our Stonewall moment.

When I first came out as gay in my teens I used to dream about my handsome Prince to come along (which never happened) and as I got older (and more civilised), I enjoyed the pleasure of the (classy and platonic) company and friendships of handsome men my own age and (gradually) younger - now 52, my rich handsome Prince might very well be 25, despite having more in common with someone over 40, but I gave up on the gay dating game a long time ago and I became bored of the gay “hookup” culture, as I just don’t want to “jump someone’s bones on the first date” as it’s a very poor way to relate to another human being, revealing one’s own lack of self-respect, even setting morality and religious teachings aside - it’s also one of many reasons why I distanced myself from the gay community over time given what I’d seen since the 1980’s even outside of the commercial gay scene, as frankly, many gay men I know of are like “rabid dogs on heat” and I’d even witnessed this during Covid/lockdowns  

I’m getting the impression that there are parallels with the struggles of the LGBT community and those with Autism, as many within the LGBT community have autism and vice versa and indeed, many of both groups are on both respective spectrums of both ASD and LGBT 

It’s probably a reason where there was always was a traditional view among those who promoted traditional Catholic social teaching that those who were perceived as having any sort of disability and/or mental health condition/illness should not involve themselves at all in anything relating to sex or sexuality issues, where all sexual contact outside Marraige, only between a man and a woman and only for the purpose of procreation was disapproved of, in line with Catholic social teaching and where some still hold onto these traditional viewpoints today 

Touay said:

This is terrible all around.  If you want to protect autistic women, any time you are asked if autistic women are kinky ... SAY NO!

That doesn’t sound like an opinion to me that sounds like an instruction. That said if you say otherwise I will just give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that it was just you expressing your personal opinion.

And who empowered you to say im not allowed to express an opinion?

Well yes it might be disadvantageous for those autistic women who don't want casual sex and might be vulnerable to being manipulated into sex under the premise of a fake relationship.

However there will also be autistic women out there who quite like the idea of lots of casual sex or lots of kinky sex who I'm assuming would probably welcome this sort of thing.

Who empowered you to speak for all autistic women?

Having had a bit of time to think on this, i have to echo some comments that this is an extremely dangerous 'rumour', for autistic women especially.

The creeps, pervs and guys looking to play out their particular kink will target vulnerable autistic women, who (like me) are terrible judges of character. They will coerce them into 'performing'.  This may happen repeatedly, so it will completely ruin their perception of men and sex.

Worse that that, if guys think autistic women are just sex toys for perverts, no guy looking for a real relationship will go near them.

This is terrible all around.  If you want to protect autistic women, any time you are asked if autistic women are kinky ... SAY NO!