Stopping wanting to conform

This assumes that I don't care about conforming, which I don't think is entirely true. It's more a complex dance of wanting to conform more and less.

As an Orthodox Jew, I'm very aware of dressing a bit differently and living profoundly differently to other people in many environments that I find myself in (albeit less now I work for an Orthodox Jewish organisation than when I was working in other areas). And I'm fine with that, although it's hard navigating social interactions at times (e.g. not being able to eat in non-kosher restaurants with non-Jewish or non-religious friends). And I like being unusual and unique in my interests (albeit that none of them are that unusual).

On the other hand, I desperately want to fit in wherever I am. I want to be accepted and liked and doing what other people do seems the only way to do that, perhaps due to my misunderstanding the "rules" of neurotypical behaviour, or just the conformist behaviour of the Orthodox Jewish world. But I refuse to compromise on my religious practices (in a secular environment) or on things that feel like the core of my personality and interests (this is more among other religious Jews), so often I just mask everything and seem fairly "blank" to people. My fiancee says I probably come across as weirder doing this than if I just came out and said, "This is what I believe/do/enjoy" and let people decide if they still liked me. I admit it's a fairly maladaptive strategy, but after probably thirty-five years of masking, I'm not sure how to do anything else.

This assumes that I don't care about conforming, which I don't think is entirely true. It's more a complex dance of wanting to conform more and less.

As an Orthodox Jew, I'm very aware of dressing a bit differently and living profoundly differently to other people in many environments that I find myself in (albeit less now I work for an Orthodox Jewish organisation than when I was working in other areas). And I'm fine with that, although it's hard navigating social interactions at times (e.g. not being able to eat in non-kosher restaurants with non-Jewish or non-religious friends). And I like being unusual and unique in my interests (albeit that none of them are that unusual).

On the other hand, I desperately want to fit in wherever I am. I want to be accepted and liked and doing what other people do seems the only way to do that, perhaps due to my misunderstanding the "rules" of neurotypical behaviour, or just the conformist behaviour of the Orthodox Jewish world. But I refuse to compromise on my religious practices (in a secular environment) or on things that feel like the core of my personality and interests (this is more among other religious Jews), so often I just mask everything and seem fairly "blank" to people. My fiancee says I probably come across as weirder doing this than if I just came out and said, "This is what I believe/do/enjoy" and let people decide if they still liked me. I admit it's a fairly maladaptive strategy, but after probably thirty-five years of masking, I'm not sure how to do anything else.